Trailer Trash: Valkyrie

Tom Cruise. Wearing an eye patch. Fighting Hitler. It’s like someone made a movie just for me.



I got no problem with Scientology, at least as far as it being a cult. All religions are cults. But for a while, it was looking like Scientology had ruined Tom Cruise. All of a sudden he was jumping on Oprah’s couch, holding cute little Katie Holmes hostage, and his last few films have been total shit, and Baby Suri looks nothing like Tom.

But the trailer for Valkyrie shows that Tom’s still got it, and that Scientology is therefore as benign as Christianity or Islam. Cruise is back, and in Valkyrie, he looks like a fucking pirate. A Nazi pirate. Trying to kill Hitler.

I really hope this movie ends with Cruise and Hitler having a karate fight, and then Cruise stuffs a grenade in the fuher mouth, and says something clever like, “heil this, Hitler,” or, “I got a hundred year plan for you. It’s starts with your head exploding!” and pulls the pin.

CUT TO: Close up of Hitler’s eyes wide open.

CUT TO: Slo-mo, Cruise running away from Hitler, who explodes in a ball of flame.

Cruise, looking sleek in his SS uniform and black eye patch, is surrounded by all these delightful little British actors like Kenneth Branaugh and Eddie Izzard, even the non-science-guy Bill Nighy. It actually makes the smirking Cruise look even tougher, kind of like how when I went to Japan I felt like a fucking giant. When you’re the only non-British guy in the room, you’re also the most masculine. Maybe Cruise could use this strategy in other parts of his life.

The genius of Valkyrie is that it makes the bad guys Nazis, but makes the good guys Nazis too. I hope this starts a trend: we’ll get the A-rab from Lost trying to kill Bin Ladin and that Asian dude from Harold and Kumar going after Kim Jong-Il (I’ve already registered both those ideas with the WGA, so don’t even try to steal my shit).