How to Maintain Your Manhood While Walking Teacup Yorkies

Think you're man enough to walk a tiny dog? Think again.

OK, I know the title promises some sort of solution to the issue, but the truth is that I don't actually know how to maintain one's manhood while walking two yippy three-pound Yorkshire Terriers. I wish I did; it would make me feel a lot less gay.

At least twice a day, I strap Max and Minnie into their lavender-hued designer harnesses and take them prancing down the sidewalk. When I pass people coming the other way, the best response I can hope for is a polite "Aren't they cute?" smile, but more often than not, I get an "Is it Halloween in WeHo already?" sideways glance out of the corner of their eye. They don't say anything out loud, but I can sense them silently judging me. It's as emasculating an experience as a man can have with his pants on.

I wear my wedding ring as conspicuously as possible, as if to exclaim, "You see? I'm married! They came as a package deal!" But alas, neither that nor a summer squash in the trousers makes me feel any more macho during "walkies."

It probably doesn't help that I'm carrying a sandwich bag ever so foppishly between my thumb and index finger to pick up their leavings. They're not the big, forearm-sized poops you get from a Mastiff or Irish Wolf Hound, either -- ones you could use to maim someone who looks at you cockeyed. No, these are cute little pinky poops that fit three to a baggie and can be scattered by a slight breeze. Max at least hikes up his leg when he pees; Minnie squats like a bitch.

I've tried the clandestine approach, but a low-key walk is out of the question because they bark insanely at anything they perceive to be another dog -- whether it be actual dogs, horses (big dogs), birds (flying dogs) or brown paper bags (dead, crunchy dogs).

Ultimately, though, the key to maintaining your manhood is quite simple: never get married.