Don't Hate LA, Hate Yourself

I own a t-shirt that reads "I heart LA." Almost every time I wear it, someone asks me, “Is that a joke?”

Why do people find Los Angeles so despicable? Let’s look at what the Haters have to say.

Haters: There’s no culture.

Have you ever noticed that people who say this haven’t opened a book since they dropped out of college? I’m not exactly sure what these people mean by culture- do they mean really old museums with giant whales hanging from the ceiling? Or shitty musicals based on shitty movies?

The fact is, LA has plenty of museums, small theater companies, and all sorts of “cultural” crap that no one goes to.

Haters: There’s nothing to do.

According to the LA Weekly, there are 285 things to do tonight. And it’s a Tuesday (there’s almost 500 on Friday). And these are events, like special screenings and openings. It doesn’t include eating a cheeseburger at the 101 or looking for anonymous gay sex in Griffith park.

Los Angeles is also one of the only major cities located close to the beach, the mountains, the desert, Mexico, and Las Vegas. If you’re bored in LA, you’re probably just boring.

Haters: There are no seasons.

This one is just stupid. We have no seasons because our weather is fucking perfect! I’ve been to New York in the winter. No one was talking about how great seasons were. In fact, no one was talking about anything except how fucking cold it was, and how important winter jackets are. It was fucking boring.

Haters: The traffic is horrible.

Ok, the haters sort of do have a point here. LA traffic sucks, and so does our public transportation. But it’s important to remember that when people talk about LA traffic, they’re usually driving pretty long distances. If you really want to live in Silver Lake and work in Santa Monica, sorry, you’re gonna have to deal with traffic.

And it’s not like other cities don’t have traffic. San Francisco is like a giant parking lot on the Swiss Alps. Plus, you have to be Indiana Jones to find parking. And sure, public transportation is better, but waiting for a subway, transferring, and then hiking up a goddamn cliff can take a pretty long time too.

Haters: Everyone is so "fake."

In my experience, when people say this, what they really mean is, “there are a lot of hot girls in this city that won’t fuck me.” I got news for you, buddy, she seems fake to you because she doesn’t want you to know anything about her! Because she thinks you’re a fucking creep!