You Know You're a Redneck Homosexual If...

This morning, I had a nightmare.

I dreamt that I was the CFO of a well-respected pharmaceutical company that’s made billions by cheating the sick and elderly, and that my name was Tushie. (That wasn’t the nightmare part, that’s true.) In the dream, I was the definition of a flamboyant homosexual. (Also true! Also fine with me.) That’s when I passed a mirror, and saw that I was wearing a Confederate flag bandanna around my neck. I awoke in a cold sweat!

It was just a dream... or was it?! Quickly, I pulled my MacBook Air from the drawer of my night table and did a Yahoo search for “Jesus fuck! Am I a redneck homosexual? :( No way!!! AAAAH! How do I know?”

I pushed return, and in .003 seconds, I got the search results that changed my life forever:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK HOMOSEXUAL IF:

1. You like dick, but love a dick in flannel.

2. You like to fire off your rifle sometimes when you're fucking butt.

3. You no longer get hard when beating your wife.

4. Your Klan hood smells like Acqua di Gio.

5. You give your pal Skeet a blow job while thinking racist thoughts about minorities.

6. You get hard beating up other redneck homosexuals.

7. You like your Jim Beam with a snifter of fresh cum.