The L.A. Dating Scene: A Compost Heap of Treasure

Welcome to Los Angeles. You’ve moved here to pursue your dream or maybe just a lifetime of fun in great weather. Too bad though ladies, the gene pool here is shallow, like my Louboutin shoes and Louis Vuitton purse.

Here are the six men you'll meet here before you go home to wherever small useless town you’re from with the hopes of reuniting with your high school sweetheart, but not before you bring home a raging case of herpes.

1. Brooding Artist Guy – He’s amazing for the first two weeks. You’ll have sex in every imaginable place. He’ll finger you under the table at a dinner party while sardonically putting everyone in the room down. All your friends will want to sleep with him and he will try and talk you into letting this happen. Eventually, you will come home and find him fucking some guy in his band.

2. Tad Allagash, the Perpetual Stuck-up Yuppie – He comes equipped with the company credit card and typically, a lot of blow. As he evolves he’ll prove his debonair style and grace with expensive purchases and fancy restaurants. Eventually, he’ll start saying lame things like he wants to make love and will never be able to fuck you quite right. He will cry during sex, but it’s all worth it because your friends are jealous. At some point, you’ll become bored and start sleeping with his out-of-work friend because everyone knows blue collar guys are top of the pops when it comes to fucking.

3. Adonis the Illiterate Dumbass – You find yourself smiling and nodding more than you’ve ever done in your entire life. The mere fact that he looks better than any man you have ever seen naked keeps you around when he confuses a violin with a harmonica. One night you will have enough of his stupidity and leave him at a 7-11. When you call him a month later and he brings it up you can tell him it never happened and he will have to trust you because he is just that dumb.

4. Wannabe Actor/Musician Guy – You’re not sure how you even met him, but it was during a very famous drunken blackout where you ended up stealing a bottle of wine from the bodega and running back to his house. Your friends hate him. This might be the attraction at first. Then it’s the fact that he’s a loser-monster with a substance abuse problem and membership to every sort of anonymous meeting you could imagine. The sex is great and you can steal his Xanax. One night he calls you from jail to bring him his Wellbutrin because he got caught shoplifting from Bloomingdales. He blames you because he was stealing you a gift.

5. Pretentious Writer/Filmmaker Man – There is nothing like having every last one of your opinions and ideas shot down like Ice Man is piloting the guy you’re dating. This know-it-all fucko spends all his waking hours working on the magnum opus he says will be named after you while getting high. Periodically, you’re in the equation and it’s usually after he’s been drinking all night and he cannot get an erection.

6. Rugged Surfer – The modern cowboy. His home is wherever he rests his head and usually that’s where the waves are large and frequent. The ocean is his true love and you’re that nasty habit he cannot stop. Whenever you run into him at the bar he fucks you hard in the alley within five minutes and then the two of you return to keep drinking while acting like nothing happened.