Indiana Jones and the Hip-Replacement Surgery

The joke's gone on long enough. Oh wait...you're serious? Really?

That elaborate fake trailer for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a good gag -- haha, you got me -- but this movie isn't really coming out, is it? I mean, Harrison Ford has the gait of an arthritic chimp, and he's swinging around on a whip, beating down Russkies? Really?

Look, Spielberg, Ford, et al., just because it takes you 20 years to decide that now's the time that your careers needs a sure-fire hit doesn't mean that we have to suffer for it by pretending that a 70-year-old can do anything other than eat pudding and soil himself.

Watching Harrison Ford now as Indiana Jones is like playing hide-and-seek with an Alzheimer's patient.

It's not enough that every other movie nowadays is a remake; now we're recycling action heroes as well. Stallone just did Rocky Balboa and Rambo, Schwarzenegger teetered through Terminator 3; even Seagal and Van Damme are still flailing around on DVD. Why not trot out Lorenzo Lamas or Dolph Lundgren while you're at it? Where's I Come in Peace 2?

The problem is that the next generation of action stars never stepped up to replace these '80s cronies. And the few that did never fully dedicated themselves to the genre; they were too busy trying to be "legitimate." Stallone and Schwarzenegger knew how to settle; they knew their limitations (Cop Land notwithstanding) -- but not these punk kids today. So, what we're left with is ridiculous relics hobbling around, trying to relive their heyday because Vin Diesel is off working with Sidney Lumet.

America needs a hero who instills confidence, someone who can impale a Commie with a pair of salad tongs, someone who won't have to ask his grandson how to work the GPS in his Oldsmobile in order to stop a presidential assassination.

In short, you sicken me, old people.