Coolio: How the Mighty have Fallen

About a year ago, Coolio sent me a demo and a press kit.

Hilarity ensued.

What I actually got was a burned CD with his hit song "Gangsta's Paradise" on it and a photocopy of a handwritten press release which I have taken the liberty of typing to you VERBATIM:

Big Ballas Productions Present: COOLIO/IN CONCERT. COOLIO!!!ONE OF HIP HOP'S BIGGEST STARS IS IN CONCERT AT YOUR CASINO,BRINGING YOU HIS (GANGSTA'S PARADISE)(FANTASTIC VOYAGE) AND MUCH MORE,,coolio WILL LIGHT UP THE STAGE AND ROCK THE HOUSE ALL NIGHT AS HE HIMSELF CAN DO ALL SO WELL, coolio IS WELL KNOW ALL OVER THE WORLD! AS A RAPP STAR HE AS BEEN IN THE GAME OVER TWO DECADES, YOU CAN SEE MOST OF HIS MUSIC CLIPS ON "YOUTUBE.COM, AND ON coolio.com HIS NEWEST VIDEO ON LINE,,,,SEE YA SOON IN A CASINO NEAR YOU!!!!!!

Upon receipt of this remarkably structured document, I couldn't resist attempting to contact a company whose name sort of just sounds like they produce large testicles in a factory and not washed-up rappers for my super sweet 16. I half expected the voice of a big hairy gay bear receptionist to answer breathily, "Hello, Big Balls Productions where Big Balls come in pairs...this is Robert speaking, how may I direct your call?"

But I should have known better.

After years of working in the muddiest waters of the music industry, I should have known that Big Ballas Productions company number is a straight line to the author of that press release, complete with a super professional ring back tone. Nothing screams "I'm calling a serious player in the music world" more than having to sit through a full minute of "Big Booty Hoes."

I never got through to Big Balls…I mean Ballas, (SERIOUSLY I can't suppress my urge to type BIG BALLS. I'm just that kind of girl), but I'm willing to give out their email address to anyone who wants to book Coolio. I promise you their email involves the words "Jizz" and "Master" and "Nigga."

I can't promise that the Coolio routine isn't a cover-up for a gay porn scam, cause that's what it sounds like.