I Think It's Time We Saw Raven-Symoné's Vagina

It will save her career.

We all know that Disney is the biggest pimp in the entertainment industry, but while the gossip rags feature Disney media wenches Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Miley Cyrus, Hillary Duff and Vanessa Hudgens, one Mauschwitz mainstay remains a paparazzi repellent: Raven-Symoné. What do these other gals have that she doesn't? I'll tell you what: vaginas. Or, at least, the promise of one.

Raven-Symoné, for all her talent, exudes the sex appeal of a tube sock.

If she wants to make Access Hollywood, she seriously needs to up the trollop factor. If you're listening, R-S, I'm here for you. Time is short; you're 22 and aging fast. We must act quickly to turn you into the skank I know you can be. I see you've already gained some weight; that's good. It'll keep 'em speculating as to whether or not you're pregnant. In the meantime, here are some other tips to get your slut on:

• Let's say some compromising pictures of you "happen" to find their way onto the Internet. Would that be the worst thing in the world? You don't even have to be naked; maybe just bottomless and lathered in duck sauce.

• If a rumor happens to spread that you were in a three-way with Zack and Cody, so be it.

• OK, so you have "morals" or whatever. I get it. The beauty of scandal is that you don't actually have to do anything bad to create the illusion that you did. Say, you get a kidney infection or something. If you leak just enough information to get the rags intrigued and then vehemently refuse to comment, maybe, just maybe, people will assume your kidney ruptured from a vigorous anal pounding. I'm just throwing it out there.