What A Hollywood Assistant Job Listing REALLY Means
Expert analysis from an actual assistant!
Just moved to Hollywood to make it big in the entertainment industry? Don’t want to be another one of those sad stories about a small town kid trying to find their way in glamorous Los Angeles only to end up banging strangers with ridiculous names like Billy The Fist on HD video in the San Fernando Valley? Well I’ve got news for you: You’re still gonna get fucked. Luckily for you, we’re here to make it all a little easier. Think of us as your Industry lube. The Liquid Silk for the surprising rear entry you’re about to receive from Hollywood.
As we all know, the lowest rung, and your first stop on the ladder to fortune and fame is being a Hollywood assistant. Below is an ACTUAL job posting courtesy of our good friends at entertainmentcareers.net:
“Well connected Producer at a successful motion picture production company seeks a seasoned Executive/Personal Assistant for a multi-faceted position. Responsibilities include business and personal/household: phone coverage, scheduling of appointments/travel, correspondence, dictation, and script coverage. Applicant must have experience as an assistant, as well as a pleasant personality. Must have a can-do attitude. Salary commensurate with experience.”
Here is what this really means:
“Ron Howard’s super-creepy looking little brother is in need of an assistant at the fake production company that was handed to him out of sheer pity. Responsibilities include practically doing Clint’s job for him, taking in his laundry (ignore the mysterious blood stains), walking his dog and constantly refilling his numerous Anxiety/Depression/Adult Onset ADD/Methadone drug prescriptions.
On top of this, you will be dialing his telephone for him, scheduling appointments for his Brazilian Bikini Wax, booking travel for he and his family to exotic places you couldn’t possibly afford to go (and expensing the trips to the company), responding to emails and attempting to make him look intelligent by decoding the incoherent babble that spews forth from his messy word-hole while dictating. You will also be reading scripts for him, then writing him the “Cliff’s Notes” because he doesn’t really know how to read.
Applicant must have experience as a secretary, because that’s all you really will be. Must accept that this is a soul crushing and thankless job and understand that if Clint wants a bald eagle egg omelet at 3am on a Sunday morning, Clint gets a bald eagle egg omelet at 3am on a Sunday morning. The word “no” is not an option. For all the work you will be doing, you will be paid so little that you will actually be living at the poverty line.”
Enticed? Good! Apply, interview, nail it, then call your mommy and let her know that 4 years of film school finally paid off...you’re going to be a professional bitch.
Just moved to Hollywood to make it big in the entertainment industry? Don’t want to be another one of those sad stories about a small town kid trying to find their way in glamorous Los Angeles only to end up banging strangers with ridiculous names like Billy The Fist on HD video in the San Fernando Valley? Well I’ve got news for you: You’re still gonna get fucked. Luckily for you, we’re here to make it all a little easier. Think of us as your Industry lube. The Liquid Silk for the surprising rear entry you’re about to receive from Hollywood.
As we all know, the lowest rung, and your first stop on the ladder to fortune and fame is being a Hollywood assistant. Below is an ACTUAL job posting courtesy of our good friends at entertainmentcareers.net:
“Well connected Producer at a successful motion picture production company seeks a seasoned Executive/Personal Assistant for a multi-faceted position. Responsibilities include business and personal/household: phone coverage, scheduling of appointments/travel, correspondence, dictation, and script coverage. Applicant must have experience as an assistant, as well as a pleasant personality. Must have a can-do attitude. Salary commensurate with experience.”
Here is what this really means:
“Ron Howard’s super-creepy looking little brother is in need of an assistant at the fake production company that was handed to him out of sheer pity. Responsibilities include practically doing Clint’s job for him, taking in his laundry (ignore the mysterious blood stains), walking his dog and constantly refilling his numerous Anxiety/Depression/Adult Onset ADD/Methadone drug prescriptions.
On top of this, you will be dialing his telephone for him, scheduling appointments for his Brazilian Bikini Wax, booking travel for he and his family to exotic places you couldn’t possibly afford to go (and expensing the trips to the company), responding to emails and attempting to make him look intelligent by decoding the incoherent babble that spews forth from his messy word-hole while dictating. You will also be reading scripts for him, then writing him the “Cliff’s Notes” because he doesn’t really know how to read.
Applicant must have experience as a secretary, because that’s all you really will be. Must accept that this is a soul crushing and thankless job and understand that if Clint wants a bald eagle egg omelet at 3am on a Sunday morning, Clint gets a bald eagle egg omelet at 3am on a Sunday morning. The word “no” is not an option. For all the work you will be doing, you will be paid so little that you will actually be living at the poverty line.”
Enticed? Good! Apply, interview, nail it, then call your mommy and let her know that 4 years of film school finally paid off...you’re going to be a professional bitch.
Labels: living the dream
posted by Jonathan Goorvich at
Friday, March 14, 2008
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