Emasculated: Fighting the Metrosexual Agenda

When most men are packing up their stagecoach (96’ Toyota Camry) to fulfill their Manifest Destiny to Hollywood, they’re almost always packing one item too much: their manhood. Save yourself the step of culture shock and leave your balls back in Wisconsin because you’re certainly not going to be using them here.

Back in your hometown, one of the ‘gayest’ things you could do was wear a cardigan. Here in Hollywood, having sex with men is barely considered ‘gay.’ Here are some loopholes for us wiley ones who prefer to keep the hair on our scrote.

Do not under any circumstance:

• Eat red meat: Vegan Hipsters now control the North and East side of LA and all of Hollywood. Unless you want to come off as a puppy murderer or cat rapist, I’d steer clear of red meat. Consult anyone at Amoeba Music or anyone on a Fixed-Gear bike for further dietary restrictions.

Loophole: Eat exotic meats like Hossenfeffer and Bresaola. A hipster’s elitism and desire for all consumer goods that sound foreign will override their self-righteous ideals.

• Watch football: The only reason LA has any sports teams at all is so when they win, we can further develop a superiority complex with the rest of the country. And since we don’t have an NFL team and are unable to compete, we’ve deemed football in general as uncultured.

Loophole: Watch hockey. It’s like if the movie ‘Rambo’ was about sports and written by a Canadian.

• Drinking beer: Nothing says mediocrity like ordering a beer at a bar. In LA, you get bonus points if the bartender doesn’t recognize the drink you want and you belittle them for ‘not knowing what a god damn Iron Butterfly is. This place is a joke.’

Loophole: Turn it around on them. Order a ‘Chimay’ and tell them how uncultured they are for not supporting the Trappist Monks who make it. Also prepare to get shit-faced on a 9% abv beer.

You’ll also be expected to:

• Keep up with the latest fashions: And you thought American Eagle was expensive. Try a thousand dollar T-shirt from Fred Segal on for size. Also, get comfortable with “Project Runway” being your favorite TV show.

Loophole: Make your own shirts. Nothing says “I’m better than you” like having a one-of-a-kind custom shirt. Nothing.

• Get 200$ Haircuts: All that money you saved from having your Mom cut your hair is now going to be put to use. And remember, it’s not about how good you look; it’s about how much you spent.

Loophole: Go to Fantastic Sam’s and tell people you did it to be ironic.

• Get facials: No, not the facials you’re thinking of. I’m talking cucumber slices and the whole sha-bang. You better hurry up because I can see those pores from here!

Loophole: If you grow a beard, not only will you not have to wear make-up, you’ll look like a hard ass. It’s a very well established principle that if you have a beard, no one will question you if you punch them in the face.

Congratulations: If you can go through the completely emasculating experience that is Hollywood unscathed, you have proven to be manlier than a Lumberjack having a chainsaw sword-fight with Sean Connery.