Yankee Go Home!

Why I hate New Yorkers.

Let’s just get some things straight. I like New York. I like the New Yorker. I like the New York Times Sunday Edition. But I can’t stand New Yorkers. Pretty much any time a New Yorker opens his mouth, it pisses me off.

“No, you know where the best ___ is…”

Have you ever been out to dinner with more than two New Yorkers? I bet they spend the whole time talking about the where best pizza place, bagel place, or heroin connection is. But since New Yorkers are the least intellectually curious people on the planet, instead of being a free exchange of ideas, it was more like a shouting match. “Johnny’s pizza on 55^th and West End!” “Sal’s on Broadway between 103^rd and 104^th!!!” New Yorkers aren’t actually interested in finding good things, they just want to know about good things and convince you that those places are the best.

“You think this is cold?”

No, I don’t think it’s cold, my body is sending me signals that it’s cold and that I need my jacket, you asshole. New Yorkers have this whole macho thing going on with the cold weather. But they don’t admit that in New York they dress with sixteen hundred layers, and their winter jackets use NASA technology to keep warm and have a dozen different pockets. Plus, they’re always moving around because they’re cavemen and don’t have cars.

“What’s the hold up?”

New Yorkers are not laid back people. They’re thrown off when they come to LA and see us strolling, or patiently waiting for a table instead of demanding to see the manager. Remember when the cops shot that guy who was reaching for his wallet? I don’t think they were racist, I think that the whole thing was just taking too long, and they just got impatient.

“It could’ve been me in that tower.”

I wish it had been you in that tower.

“The city...”

Forget such metropolises as Tokyo, London, or Paris. For New Yorkers, there is only one city. But notice how none of them are actually in New York. If New York is so great, why don’t you go the fuck back there? I know why: because it’s expensive, crowded, cold as fuck, and the girls are hotter in LA.