Remake Hollywood

“Hulk”. “King Kong”. “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”. What do all of these films have in common? They have all been, or are in the process of being, remade.

Hollywood is nothing if not a bastion of liberalism, and just as driving a Prius and recycling cereal boxes are core liberal values, so too is the recycling of movies.

The tragedy of the Hollywood remake is perhaps best exemplified by the soon-to-be-released “The Incredible Hulk”. Ang Lee’s “Hulk” came out just five years ago and was none too well received if memory serves. Eric Bana as Bruce Banner was dark, distant and sullen, and seemed more or less content to exist within the confines of a petri dish. His idea of getting angry consisted of gritting his teeth and growing an extra 9 feet; the man could have used some training in teeth-gritting from the recently deceased Chuck Heston. Remaking a movie this soon after the original disaster is like losing a contest of who-can-ejaculate-the-farthest, then challenging your opponent to a rematch fifteen seconds later.

So how the fuck is it that Marvel and Universal saw fit to remake a movie that a ten year old in 2003 will be able to remember as being a stinking pile of green eggs and shit as a fifteen year old come June 2008? And Edward Norton? I mean, come on. Lose street cred much? Been a few years since “American History X” and “Fight Club”.

Moving on, I propose that after the second remake of “King Kong” (let’s remember that that means the movie has actually been made three times) Peter Jackson should not be allowed to replicate anything onscreen larger than a tree or an elf or an orc. And he should have fairly limited access to those.

“Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”. Haven’t seen it, I’ve only seen the original. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to make a motion to confine Johnny Depp to roles where he can’t: paint his face white; wear a costume; ever be directed by Tim Burton, ever again.

Fuck, man