Barack Obama: “Stop enjoying your childhood”

Supporters of Barack Obama will often tell you that he’s for: hope, progress, and the elimination of subsidies to the private student loan industry which has repeatedly used unethical business practices. But they rarely tell you what he’s against: fun.

In his speeches Obama will often mention that that America needs to “parent better” and we should “turn off the television set, turn off the videogames.”

Normally, politicians get all snippy when children start playing games that simulate the murder of pedestrians and prostitutes. But when Obama mentions videogames, it is because he associates them with underachievement.

I wish I could say I was surprised, but I’ve known for a long time that Obama was in the pocket of the powerful reading and learning industries.

But with our manufacturing base decimated and our white collar jobs all shipped to India, what industry does Obama think will power the US economy in the future? Trigonometry? Spelling?

No. In our likely post-apocalyptic future, the real growth industry will be sniping. In order to have a robust sniper-based economy, we need to start training kids today. Under Obama’s plan, America economy would get pwned by Chinese n00bs.

But videogames can help kids in more traditional areas of education as well.

For example, did you know that turtles can carry salmonella? Kids are right to learn to stomp them.

And dogs are animals, right? Then what better way to learn about biology than a vigorous game of Nintendogs?

The point is that a vigorous videogame regimen is actually good for children. Why do you think that Japanese and South Korean schools are consistently ranked better than the schools here? The key to achievement isn’t discipline, it’s Xbox.

Besides, those videogames and television shows are handcrafted by the gentle, hardworking residents of Los Angeles. We put in an honest day’s work making the world’s finest first-person shooters and reality dating shows. Next to food and jobs, our popular culture is America’s chief export.

It ain’t science or math, Obama.