Defaced

Hey Facebook. If I wanted to be friends with him, I would have already added him, ok?

Dear Facebook,

I appreciate that you’re always working to improve yourself, but I have a real problem with your recent “application,” these “People I May Know.” It’s great for you, conceptually, but do you ever think about anyone but yourself?! It sucks for me and probably “Him.”

Like how about the fact that grammatically you refer to ‘people’ in the most plural sense of the word. It’s not “Person You May Know” or “Know This Guy?” In reality, you only ever show me one person.

Add to that the fact that the one person just happens to be my ex-boyfriend, who I habitated with for years, introduced to all my friends, and touched parts with on a semi-regular basis, and you might see why I want to punch you in your screen. Yeah, I know him. No, I do not want to be his friend.

Can we please talk about the fact that you’ve neglected to give me any option to make this screen go away other than to be-Face him, which I JUST TOLD you I don’t want to do. You never listen! I’m not harboring resentment towards him, but that doesn’t mean I’m interested in seeing his “status” or tagged photos of his new Tiny Asian Girlfriend on my home page.

You’re so unfair! Are you doing this to him? Are you?!

Will you just be honest for one second? What are you really trying to say? Every. Time. I. Log. In.

Also, why not go for broke. I mean, you have a “Wall” and a “Fun Wall” why not have a “Naked Wall” –- where we can collect all the peoples that we’ve let see us at our most undressed and afterwards had that horrible realization that we actually LET them touch us from the inside (a.k.a. Regrettable Naked Times) and it feels like we’ve just run full speed, head first, into a brick wall—The Naked Wall. If we can make it “public” you’d be doing a community service by helping us avoid double-dipping.

Also also, what else do you know? Is a “People You Will Open Yourself Up To Only To Get Hurt” feature in the works? How about “Good For One Date” or “Don’t Date This Dude” or “People With Baggage Who Never Open Their Proverbial Suitcase” or “Secretly Married?”

Look, our problems are fixable, if you’re willing to change. I’ll keep ignoring those “87 requests” for bullshit things, if you will stop being jealous over him. Seriously, it was a million years and 3,000 miles ago. But if things aren’t gonna work out between us, I still have my space.

xo

-andrea