My Brother is a Putzy Lawyer

It’s true, he is. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t mind his shiny shoes, his two-pound Rolex, or the financial ease with which he maxes and relaxes.

But he has money and I don’t, and sometimes I need to borrow this (his) money, and I don’t think he gets that.

I’m not one of those guys who’s anti rich-putzy-yuppies. It’s just that in the case of this putzy yuppy there are a few salient character flaws I feel he should explore:

-When footing the bill at a restaurant, don’t wince after saying the words, “I got it.”

-When discussing major home appliances, such as televisions and microwaves, avoid phrases such as, “Not enough financial wiggle room.” If your winter bonus can start a hedge fund, there’s room for wiggle.

-Cough up the $25 to get a haircut at Rudy’s. Just because your wife can cut your hair doesn’t mean she should.

If he were to follow these pointers (as well as ease up on sending me Youtube videos every time Zach Galifianakis makes a joke about Asians) he might just de-putzify himself.

I ate dinner at his house the other night, an exquisite Japanese dish served by his exquisite Japanese wife. As he washed and dried the dishes and I watched, we discussed the hardships only those with money can really know.

“The thing is,” he said, “people with money wear Golden Handcuffs. That’s something they don’t talk about.”

“What are Golden Handcuffs?” I asked.

“When you make a lot of money, you have a lot of responsibilities.”

Translation: Mo money, mo problems. Three years of law school and everything he knows he learned from Biggie.

(Editor's note: I always thought Golden Handcuffs were when a chick cuffed you to the bed and pissed on your face.)

“Like what?”

“Like…saving for a house. Retirement. That stuff.”

“But,” I protested, “people who don’t make a lot of money also want to save for a house and retirement. They just can’t. So I guess you could say we wear Bronze Handcuffs.”

“I know,” he said, “but…I have a lot of responsibilities.”

“Yeah. Someone has to Rick-roll me on the half hour.”

It’s true, he does.