Oprah's Big Shove

The only thing Oprah loves more than giving is Oprah.

Aspiring elitists have a new, invaluable resource for mastering the art of selfish giving: Oprah's Big Give. It teaches us to develop our inner Hilton by doling out charity that's more about making ourselves look good than it is about the receiver's needs. Consider this Oprah 101.

Rule #1: Everything is a competition.

If you want to be a top-notch selfish giver, realize that there are other people out there striving to be even more selfish. On Oprah's Big Give, contestants run around trying to help as many people as possible ("Sorry, no time for CPR, but here's a hundred dollar bill.") in as "creative" a manner as possible ("Did I say a hundred dollar bill? Make it a dinner for your widow at the restaurant where you proposed."). Take a cue from Oprah: mere charity isn't enough; it's got to be charity with flair.

Rule #2: Force help on those who don't want it.

Most people don't realize they need or even want help. It's your job to shove it up their collective ass. If you pass someone on the street who looks poorer than you, toss them a shiny nickel. It'll make you feel better about yourself. If you notice someone with unkempt hair or bad acne, suggest they clean themselves up so they don't sicken others with their appearance. It's a 10-second extreme makeover! (Make sure there's a camera around to document the tears.)

Rule #3: Ignore reason.

Forcing help is one thing, but completely disregarding all reason in your charitable efforts is the pièce de résistance of selfish giving. You say you're having trouble making your mortgage payments because you adopted 12 children? Well, here's a thousand-dollar party to occupy the kids while you figure out what to do.

Rule #4: The rich get richer.

Ultimately, the winning contestant on Oprah's Big Give gets more money than any of the deserving people they helped along the way -- which is really the point of giving, isn't it?