Pitching Woo

Puttin' the moves on a lady, Hollywood-style.

Look, neither of us has much time, so let me cut to the chase. With your help, I think I can get in your pants. I'm closing this deal tonight, because let's face it, you're not getting any younger. Here's how I see it playing out...

It's Passion of the Christ meets Rashomon: a lot of flogging and yelling for God, with conflicting reports of what happened afterward.

Initially, you'd be hesitant because you've been hurt before, plus I have that whole elbow fetish thing, which is a tough sell. You'd be emotionally closed off, but spiritually "excited" due to recurring sexual fantasies about a three-way with Buddha and Jesus Christ. Your strict Catholic upbringing would generate an internal conflict that can only be resolved by dressing like a nun and flogging me with rosary beads.

During the second act, we'd throw in some hip-hop dancing -- that's really dope right now -- and maybe some kung-fu wire work if this ceiling can support a harness. By the time we reach the climax, the journey will have taught you a new appreciation for life and the sanctity of "love" plugs. At its heart, it's a human drama wrapped in an erotic thriller with some sci-fi elements and a twist ending (I'm a hermaphrodite).

The running time would be about 90, 95 seconds. Any longer, and we'd lose the audience. Although I'd like a theatrical release, it's more likely to go straight to video.

As you know, though, this is a star-driven industry, so we'd have to get a big name involved. With our budget in the low six figures -- including the decimal point -- I've been able to reach final talks with the entire cast of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, who will apparently work for just penicillin shots.

Ang Lee will direct.