Oh Shit, Art!

An everyman’s guide to getting your rocks off in the art scene. Because beauty is as beauty does.

At its worst, an art show can devolve into unreasonably reverent attendants milling about drunk off free booze, stuffed up on cheese cubes, using their interpretation of the artwork to flaunt a sense of taste like its another fashionable commodity. Who can blame them? Art has no practical value, so in order for it to survive, people need to continually find new ways to agree upon creative worth. It’s kind of like the land of Fantasia from The Neverending Story: if people stop believing, it dies.

Say it. Say I believe in fairies.

Unfortunately the fluid standards employed to judge good and bad art sometimes blur into nonexistence, and you get some Cal Arts professor declaring a dump some girl took in the corner “brilliant.” Until you develop a refined sense of what floats your cultural boat, just enjoy yourself. Here are some tips to get you started:

-Post up in front of the piece you find most confusing, be it the watercolor of an eyeball peeping from a pig’s anus, or the one with the 9-11 charged message about chauvinistic jingoism titled “Fall Phalluses.” Spend the entire evening in the same spot, silently weeping to yourself like you “get it” the most. People will either think you are crazy or “deep,” which in both cases will go a long way in the creative community.

-Bring premade title cards to turn regular stuff into art. Next to the light switch, fasten a card that reads "Light Switch, Sculpture 2008"; in the bathroom, turn on the faucet and place a card reading "Running Water, Kinetic Sculpture 2008". Make random people into art too by slapping a card on their back that reads "Butthole at Art Show, 2008".

-For your pièce de résistance, discover the address of the show and have a bunch of pizzas delivered there. When the pizzas arrive much to the puzzlement of the crowd, be the first to step forward, clapping slowly, (tear up if possible) and declare the entire happening a “masterpiece!”

Of course, the best way to get your art on is to just like what you like and hope it doesn’t suck, because that means you suck. Ready, Set, Art!