This Week in Moving Pictures -- Why I Hate "The View"

I have the day job that every 6 year old dreams of: I watch TV.

I'm on staff at a television show where my job is to sit in front of a TiVo all day looking for weird and funny stuff. As a result, I watch a lot of shows that I never would have otherwise. While I do enjoy some of these programs, I have rapidly spawned an unhealthy hatred toward ABC's The View.

Before I watched The View every day, I thought yelling at the TV was just something my dad did when a liberal was on the screen. But now I myself spend 60 minutes of my day seething and shouting at my set. But why exactly does The View make me so furious?

1) They talk over each other... a lot. This is a problem properly functioning adults do not have. It happens so often the hosts even have a name for it: "Cross-talk." Feel free to scream "one at a time!" at your computer monitor. I have multiple times during the writing of this post.

2) Even though their job is to go on live television and discuss "Hot Topics," the ladies rarely familiarize themselves with the material they cover. "Elizabeth: Did you guys watch American Idol last night? Joy: No, I hate shows like that. Whoopi: I never watch it and I don't ever plan to. Barbara: That's the singing show, right?" AND THEN THEY ALL TALK ABOUT IT FOR 6 MINUTES. They have a blatant disregard for information as a concept.

3) They critically misunderstand what it means to segue between topics. "It was so sad to see those Kenyan dying of AIDS. They go hungry every single night. But luckily the members of our studio audience won't go hungry with this box of Sees Candy they're all receiving!"

4) Last week, Whoopi kissed Joy on the mouth and I have found it impossible to masturbate ever since.

I'm drafting a letter to The Mayor of Television to not only take this show off the air, but to provide me with a free lobotomy in a desperate attempt to forget about the time Sherry referred to someone as "The black Patty Labelle." I wish that was a hilarious joke I just thought up, but it's not. It's just not.