How to Throw the Perfect Abortion Shower

These days it seems like preggers is the new anorexic.

With celebs like Nicole Ricci recently popping one out and Jamie Lynn Spears on stork watch before her 17^th birthday, not to mention movies like Juno and Knocked Up, you’d think that no one in Hollywood has ever heard of an abortion. Sure, babies are cute and the tabloids love a baby bump rumor, but there is something to be said about not giving birth to your Pilates instructor’s illegitimate love child.

For the Hollywood homemaker who doesn’t want to lose her size 2 status, even if it is only for 9 months, abortions can be chic too. Just think of all the Louis Vuitton purses you can buy with the money you’ll save from not having a baby. And what better way to celebrate your newly vacuumed interior than by throwing your self a Bye Bye Baby Shower! Amanda Egge gives you tips on how an abortion party is done, Hollywood style.

Who Should Host?

Unlike baby showers, it is perfectly acceptable to throw your own abortion shower. Abortions are essentially selfish acts, and as such, the aborter is expected to engage in other selfish and self-centered acts, like throwing a party for herself, asking for presents and spending a thousand dollars on an outfit that shows of her hot, flat baby-free tummy!

Invitations

It’s probably best to keep the invitations discreet, lest your baby killing gets leaked to the gossip blogs. In this case, a simple phone call or text saying “Abortion Shower, Saturday at 2, my place.” is totally appropriate. Just remember to leave any pro-life friends off the guest list (the last thing you need is a guilt trip about how you should have sacrificed 9 months of clubbing to grow a baby for some Brangelina wannabes!)

Gift Registry

Have fun with the gift registry. Remember, you aren’t having a baby so pick items that are inappropriate for an expectant mother such as a wine decanter, a sterling silver coke straw or kick boxing classes. Flasks and rollerblades also make great abortion shower gifts; nothing says “no longer with child” better than a drunk girl with wheels strapped to her feet!

Themes and Games

Do make your abortion shower have a special theme, such as Pirate (arg!), Barnyard Hoe Down or Luau. Then pick games based on the theme such as the Pirate themed game Pin the Fetus on the Plank, or go with an abortion shower classic like Stairway to Heaven Musical Chairs!

So go ahead and celebrate your newly evacuated uterus, get wasted and smoke cigarettes like you’ve never heard of lung cancer. Then, the next time the pool boy tries to get you to go bareback, just remember: pregnancy is curable but herpes and AIDS are totally not, so be a smart Hollywood homemaker, have fun and don’t forget to rubber up!