Hollywood Home and Garden: Drug Parties

Drinking Patron Silver and snorting coke out of hundred dollar bills every night can get depressing, especially when your friends start hinting that you might have a problem. When that happens, a serious drug party is called for.

Everyone knows that the best way to look and feel normal is by making everyone else around you super fucked up. For that not so every day fête that doesn’t just condone the use of illegal substances, but actually forces it on guests, try these Hollywood Home and Garden party ideas that are sure to launch some mini-habits, not to mention major-fun.

Hitler’s Pot Party

April 20th is Hitler’s Birthday; it’s also a big day for potheads. In celebration of both, host a ‘Heil Hitler Hash Bash’. Buy Hitler mustaches and hand them out to guests as they arrive. Once all of your Hitlers are present, have everyone sit in a circle and pass around a bong with a Star of David on it. Tell the Hitlers they must smoke the Jew weed until it is completely gone. Once all your Hitlers are sufficiently stoned, watch Schindler’s List and serve munchies. Ten days later commit suicide!

Martin Luther King’s Crack Mixer

Martin Luther King had a dream, then came crack cocaine. Invite your single friends to celebrate the glass ceilings that hold all of us back by sucking on the glass dick. To set the mood, make an iPod playlist of Negro spirituals, then buy each guest one of those fake roses in four-inch glass tubes they sell at gas stations; the glass tube can be used as a crack pipe (just add a piece of Brillo pad for a filter,) and the rose adds a touch of romance. Love and crack smoke will be in the air at this singles party that gives a whole new meaning to speed dating!

Santa’s Black Tar Bloc Party

Avoid noise ordinance laws and annoying neighbors who call the cops by hosting a ‘Surprise Neighborhood H-mas Party’. Dress up like Santa Clause and go door-to-door unannounced. When your neighbors answer the door, say “ho ho ho” and stab them with a needle full of heroin. Once your neighbors are all on the nod, invite over 200 of your rowdiest friends, turn-up your sound system full blast and party uninterrupted (or at least until the H wears off and your neighbors knock on your door dope sick and cranky.)

America’s Meth Makeover Party

What better way to celebrate America’s independence than by freeing yourself of unwanted hair at a ‘Crystal Meth Eyebrow Plucking and Face Picking Party’? Buy each guest his or her own mirror and a pair of tweezers. Decorate by covering all the windows of your house in tin foil. Serve red and blue Kool-Aid in plastic cups along with bumps of methamphetamine. Once all your guests are good and tweaking, let the plucking and picking begin! (For added DYI fun, have each of your guests bring a box of Sudafed and make your own meth!)

Hollywood Home and Garden: Entertaining for Different Eating Disorders

Entertaining can be fun, but what do you do when your anorexic friend wants to visit from the East Coast, or your new bulimic neighbor is coming to dinner?

A guest with food issues can complicate menu planning, not to mention the fact that many people with eating disorders also suffer from depression. No need to feel anemic about your guest’s arrival, turn that eating disorder into an order for festivity! Amanda Egge shares tips for the consummate Hollywood homemaker who finds herself hosting food-challenged company.

The Anorexic House Guest

Before your anorexic guest arrives, spend a few hours clipping out pictures of heroin addicts and starving African children, then tape the pictures up on the walls in your guesthouse. You’ll be glad to finally put those precision craft scissors to use and your pro-ana visitant will be externally grateful for the thinspiration!

The Over-Eating Guest of Honor

When throwing a shindig for an over-eater, make it a fun and kitschy ‘All You Can Eat’ themed party. Have the invitations printed on bags of potato chips and encourage your guests to wear pants with an elastic waistband. Set up a salad bar complete with bacon bits and baby corn, hold a hot dog eating contest (winner gets a gift certificate to Hometown Buffet,) and for desert give each guest his or her own box of Ho Hos. Everyone will have so much fun stuffing their faces your guest of honor will completely forget that he can’t see his own dick over his stomach!

The Bulimic Dinner Guest

For a fabulous dinner party, buy purge bags direct from American Airlines. Decorate them with Swarovski crystals and use them as place settings, writing each guest’s name and “in case you eat too much!” on the bag. Not only will your bulimic guest thank you for making her feel so welcome, but these dazzling and edgy place settings make a great conversation piece!

The Vegan Cocktail Party Guest

For a PETA friendly happy hour, try a ‘Vegan Wine and No Cheese Party’. Have photo plates, coasters and mugs made with images of cattle infected with mad cow disease, caged baby pigs and chicken living in a crowded pen full of their own excrement, then use your provocative new dinnerware to serve organic veggies, humus and vegan wine. Nothing makes a vegan feel better about himself than not ingesting animal products while looking at pictures of livestock about to be slaughtered, and your meat-eating guest’s arteries will thank your for the night of repose!

How to Throw the Perfect Abortion Shower

These days it seems like preggers is the new anorexic.

With celebs like Nicole Ricci recently popping one out and Jamie Lynn Spears on stork watch before her 17^th birthday, not to mention movies like Juno and Knocked Up, you’d think that no one in Hollywood has ever heard of an abortion. Sure, babies are cute and the tabloids love a baby bump rumor, but there is something to be said about not giving birth to your Pilates instructor’s illegitimate love child.

For the Hollywood homemaker who doesn’t want to lose her size 2 status, even if it is only for 9 months, abortions can be chic too. Just think of all the Louis Vuitton purses you can buy with the money you’ll save from not having a baby. And what better way to celebrate your newly vacuumed interior than by throwing your self a Bye Bye Baby Shower! Amanda Egge gives you tips on how an abortion party is done, Hollywood style.

Who Should Host?

Unlike baby showers, it is perfectly acceptable to throw your own abortion shower. Abortions are essentially selfish acts, and as such, the aborter is expected to engage in other selfish and self-centered acts, like throwing a party for herself, asking for presents and spending a thousand dollars on an outfit that shows of her hot, flat baby-free tummy!

Invitations

It’s probably best to keep the invitations discreet, lest your baby killing gets leaked to the gossip blogs. In this case, a simple phone call or text saying “Abortion Shower, Saturday at 2, my place.” is totally appropriate. Just remember to leave any pro-life friends off the guest list (the last thing you need is a guilt trip about how you should have sacrificed 9 months of clubbing to grow a baby for some Brangelina wannabes!)

Gift Registry

Have fun with the gift registry. Remember, you aren’t having a baby so pick items that are inappropriate for an expectant mother such as a wine decanter, a sterling silver coke straw or kick boxing classes. Flasks and rollerblades also make great abortion shower gifts; nothing says “no longer with child” better than a drunk girl with wheels strapped to her feet!

Themes and Games

Do make your abortion shower have a special theme, such as Pirate (arg!), Barnyard Hoe Down or Luau. Then pick games based on the theme such as the Pirate themed game Pin the Fetus on the Plank, or go with an abortion shower classic like Stairway to Heaven Musical Chairs!

So go ahead and celebrate your newly evacuated uterus, get wasted and smoke cigarettes like you’ve never heard of lung cancer. Then, the next time the pool boy tries to get you to go bareback, just remember: pregnancy is curable but herpes and AIDS are totally not, so be a smart Hollywood homemaker, have fun and don’t forget to rubber up!

Hollywood Home and Garden: Mexican or Meth?

Keeping your living space neat and clean is hard work, but it doesn’t have to be. With a crystal meth hook up and a city full of Mexicans eager to work, you’ve got options. In a matter of hours, both can help transform your abode from dingy to dazzling! So what does a savvy Hollywood homemaker do? Amanda Egge answers the question on every Angelino’s mind: Mexican or meth?

Cost: The street value of meth is about $25 for a ¼ gram. The street value of a Mexican is about $50 for a one-bedroom apartment. In the short run, meth is cheaper than a Mexican. However, if you make it a habit out of it, you’re going to need more and more meth for the same job, whereas a Mexican habit will hold steady at fifty bucks a pop.

Effectiveness: On meth, you will clean the grout out of your kitchen counter, organize your sock drawer and make a hanging mobile out of silverware and fishing wire! No germs can get by a meth user and a bottle of Clorox bleach. In contrast, a Mexican will do a pretty good job making your place look clean, but they will probably not think to dust the top of the doorframe and they definitely won’t hand pick every piece of lint off your carpet. Then again, Mexican’s don’t make your teeth fall out.

The Law: Meth is illegal. So are Mexicans if they are undocumented or paid under the table. Either way you are screwed, especially if you are a Republican and plan on someday running for public office, so you may as well go for the fun factor and Mexicans have Piñatas!

Gay Orgies: Unless your Mexican is a hot seventeen your old boy with a tight ass and a penchant for sucking cock, meth is always the party favor of choice for gay orgies. Plus meth will make you look super hot in your skinny jeans!

In summary, for a one-time spring-cleaning, meth is definitely the way to go, but if you’re looking for cleaner quarters year round without the dental complications, take my Hollywood homemaker advice: go Mexican!