I'd Rather Be a Poor Assistant Than Elbow Deep in Mangled Pussy.

My mom still wants me to become a doctor.

After the family next door recently moved away to a brand new McMansion, she couldn't help but reiterate what a great profession the medical field is. Our former neighbor happens to be a gynecologist who specializes in going back and fixing botched vagina surgeries. It's unsettling enough to think about what your average ObGyn experiences on a daily basis, but I honestly don't think I could do what this guy does and remain heterosexual. As much as I love money, I'll take being an underpaid bitch over touching random women's messed up insides any day of the week.

That's the thing my mom doesn't understand, though. Throughout my youth, she'd tell me about how great it would be to work as a doctor. I'd be a pillar of the community, live in a huge house, drive a fancy car, date women way hotter than me...the works. Don't get me wrong, it sounds awesome and all...but it also means I'd first have to spend ten years of the best years of my existence busting my ass in school and in residency. Hundreds of thousands of dollars in education down the tubes. Thirty-six hour hospital internship marathons. Studying endlessly for tests and poking at cadavers. I have to say I'd honestly rather be fetching coffee and answering phones for a relatively light 60 hour workweek.

But back to my mom's phone conversation....

After explaining to her that a high six figure income still wasn't enticing enough to make me want to follow my former neighbor into the field of putting back together mishandled ladyparts, she simply replied, “Hey, I'd do it if I could!” And since this was by far the most frank sexual discussion I'd ever had with her, I hung up the phone and threw up in my mouth.