Hollywood Home and Garden: Drug Parties

Drinking Patron Silver and snorting coke out of hundred dollar bills every night can get depressing, especially when your friends start hinting that you might have a problem. When that happens, a serious drug party is called for.

Everyone knows that the best way to look and feel normal is by making everyone else around you super fucked up. For that not so every day fête that doesn’t just condone the use of illegal substances, but actually forces it on guests, try these Hollywood Home and Garden party ideas that are sure to launch some mini-habits, not to mention major-fun.

Hitler’s Pot Party

April 20th is Hitler’s Birthday; it’s also a big day for potheads. In celebration of both, host a ‘Heil Hitler Hash Bash’. Buy Hitler mustaches and hand them out to guests as they arrive. Once all of your Hitlers are present, have everyone sit in a circle and pass around a bong with a Star of David on it. Tell the Hitlers they must smoke the Jew weed until it is completely gone. Once all your Hitlers are sufficiently stoned, watch Schindler’s List and serve munchies. Ten days later commit suicide!

Martin Luther King’s Crack Mixer

Martin Luther King had a dream, then came crack cocaine. Invite your single friends to celebrate the glass ceilings that hold all of us back by sucking on the glass dick. To set the mood, make an iPod playlist of Negro spirituals, then buy each guest one of those fake roses in four-inch glass tubes they sell at gas stations; the glass tube can be used as a crack pipe (just add a piece of Brillo pad for a filter,) and the rose adds a touch of romance. Love and crack smoke will be in the air at this singles party that gives a whole new meaning to speed dating!

Santa’s Black Tar Bloc Party

Avoid noise ordinance laws and annoying neighbors who call the cops by hosting a ‘Surprise Neighborhood H-mas Party’. Dress up like Santa Clause and go door-to-door unannounced. When your neighbors answer the door, say “ho ho ho” and stab them with a needle full of heroin. Once your neighbors are all on the nod, invite over 200 of your rowdiest friends, turn-up your sound system full blast and party uninterrupted (or at least until the H wears off and your neighbors knock on your door dope sick and cranky.)

America’s Meth Makeover Party

What better way to celebrate America’s independence than by freeing yourself of unwanted hair at a ‘Crystal Meth Eyebrow Plucking and Face Picking Party’? Buy each guest his or her own mirror and a pair of tweezers. Decorate by covering all the windows of your house in tin foil. Serve red and blue Kool-Aid in plastic cups along with bumps of methamphetamine. Once all your guests are good and tweaking, let the plucking and picking begin! (For added DYI fun, have each of your guests bring a box of Sudafed and make your own meth!)