The Seven Wonders of a Hollywood Studio Apartment

There’s a studio apartment for rent in my historic Hollywood apartment building. If you’re dying to live in the heart of Hollywood, where dreams are killed and midwestern tourists walk by stores selling bongs and stripper shoes, this is the place for you.

Here are seven things you should know before you sign the lease.

1. The Price

$925 a month buys you your very own studio apartment in the middle of movieland complete with a homeless guy for a doorman. Can’t afford $925? Get a roommate or, if you’re Mexican, a wife and three kids. In Los Angeles a studio apartment can house two besties from Peoria or an entire family from Guadalajara!

2. The Address

Tell your friends back home in Illinois that you live in Hollywood and they will think it is so glamorous. Tell your friends in Echo Park and they’ll tell you to move east.

3. The Neighbors

Whenever you’re feeling down on yourself, take a quick trip over to the Grumman’s Chinese Theater where grown men who couldn’t make it as background extras get dressed up like Spider Man and Jack Sparrow to hustle tourists out of $5 for a photo. There’s nothing like observing someone else’s pathetic life to make you feel better about not booking that SAG experimental from Backstage West.

4. The Parking

There is none. Nor is there pubic transportation. And don’t even think about walking more than two or three blocks unless you want to be mistaken for a homeless person or a tranny. You’re screwed with a car or without one. Get used to never leaving your apartment or get a second job just to pay your parking tickets.

5. The Odor

There’s nothing better than coming home after a long day of PA work to an apartment that smells like someone else’s dinner. Well, except maybe inviting your date up for some post-car-make out, pre-sex “tea” only to find that your apartment smells like a fish market in Chinatown. To combat, keep a stash of incense and take your revenge by making loud gratuitous noises during sex.

6. The Sounds

If there isn’t a mariachi band playing in the restaurant downstairs, there’s a ghetto bird in the sky or your loud obese neighbor yelling at his girlfriend. Invest in some earplugs or a prescription for Ambien.

7. The Other Odor

Since the shower is 30 feet from the kitchen, and the kitchen shares a vent with the apartment below, you can look forward to smelling your neighbors breakfast while you try to wash off last night’s sexual encounter with Jack Sparrow. This means that when your neighbor decides to cook broccoli at 10am, so will your shower and you will never really feel clean. Welcome to Hollywood!