Nickariah: You Too Can Have a Train Wreck Marriage of Convenience

Everyone loves a train wreck.

So, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are the latest celebrity sham marriage pairing a legit star (with issues) with a hanger-on seeking fame and fortune. Whitney and Bobby. Britney and Kevin. Tomkat. Kim Kardashian and everyone. If it weren't obvious from her perpetual doe eyes and grade school obsession with butterflies, Mariah needs Nick to fulfill her desire to feel young; while she fulfills his desire to have the paparazzi know who the hell he is.

I don't fault them, though. In fact, I think a lot more stars could benefit from such an arrangement:

Ian Ziering and Ellen Page: He needs people to know he's still alive. She needs people to think she's straight.

Haley Joel Osment and Jennifer Aniston: He needs her to revitalize his career. She needs him to not sleep with Angelina Jolie.

Haylie Duff and Owen Wilson: He needs her to prevent him from slitting his wrists. She needs him to make her nose look normal.

Pamela Anderson and George Clooney: She needs him to feel classy. He needs her to annul the marriage.

Tara Reid and Shia Labeouf: She needs him to clean up her image. He needs her to score him some blow.

Dustin Diamond and Natalie Portman: He needs her to comfort him at night when he wakes up in a cold sweat from the recurring nightmare of being sodomized by A.C. Slater. She needs him to make her feel less Jewish.

Bobby Brown and Eddie Murphy: Bobby needs Eddie's money for child support. Eddie just likes dicks.

Aaron Carter and Barbara Walters: He needs her for legitimacy. She needs marrow to stay alive.

Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus: Self-explanatory. Already in the works.