Crazed Employee Attacks Workplace with Water Weapons

A fun alternative to that classic chestnut, the office-wide killing spree.

So that sweet bitch Summer is on her way, and you’re stuck pulling pea-dick at the same soul-murdering joe-job, quietly orchestrating a workplace massacre with the precision of an alienated MIT student? Painting up the office in brain is a tempting fantasy, and your boss’s chest cavity could use a few more decorative bullet holes, but before you go all Columbiney on little ol’ Lawrence from accounting, consider a more fun-in-the-sun oriented outburst. On Taco Tuesday, hang on to that internalized anger, but instead of M-16s and hand grenades, why not rampage through the office with an array of squirt guns and water balloons? One of three outcomes will occur:

Fired

Citing your conduct as unprofessional, your superiors will likely terminate your employment. But imagine the look on your coworker’s face when you storm into the office all trenchcoated out, muggin’ a Danzig glare that says “I am the Angel of Death, come to reap…” Your manager’s life will flash before his fat eyes, and he might even piss himself, up to the point when you matter of factly produce a yellow and purple Super Soaker. Sure you’ll be out of a job, but at least you’ll get a cool Digg headline: “Crazed Employee Attacks Workplace with Water Weapons.”

Crazy Leave

If your job is progressive enough like Google (i.e. “fun” colored walls and a company Smoothie bar), you may find yourself on the hooked up end of a sweet, paid-ass vacation. Use your new found loony-flow to settle up a righteous custom Xbox, all under décor Aztec mural style (Master Chief cradling a Tenochtitlan virgin upon a stormy mountain top). When you return, everyone will treat you with more respect, nervous to upset you into maybe using real weapons.

Water Fight

The best of all scenarios, you might be surprised to find that other employees share your anti-repressive beliefs, and the drench attack turns into an office wide water fight. This surprise jolt of liberation will in turn get everyone’s freak flag flying original Woodstock high, and escalate the crew into a classic job-orgy. Once things mellow down, and the last of the naked human resource department cease to snap and twang the flesh ditty, some Js will get floated around the make shift sex camp, your bellies and thighs fat with pleasure, like shiny rich hogs. You’ll all grow closer as a company, and productivity will shoot up 30 percent. Plus no one is dead!