Say Uncle

One of the best ways to get a foot in the door in Hollywood, I’ve heard, is to have family connections. So I decided to get in contact with my connected family.

Martin Wiley is a half-way successful producer, and he’s also my uncle. Now, I’ve never actually met him, I’ve only ever met George Wiley, his brother, my other uncle. He’s a very friendly man, and the last time I talked to him – about 4 years ago – he took me out to lunch at Canters. We enjoyed our matzoh and discussed his younger brother’s ascent from film student to producer of such great films as Under Seige II and Chill Factor. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d talked to Martin – for that matter neither could George’s son. This man has been AWOL from his own family for the better part of a decade or so.

When I moved down here I figured who better to induct me into the halls of Hollywood righteousness than the producer of Mutator (aka Time of the Beast)? I arranged to meet up with him a few times, but whenever the day came he’d be calling me up with weak-ass excuses involving a meeting or a car repair.

I was forced to pull out the big guns. I talked to my aunt, the ex-wife of his older brother, who in turn got in touch with his mother in an attempt to lean on him to cut this bullshit out. I received a cryptic third-hand message that supposedly originated from him, then passed through his mother which was then told to his brother’s ex-wife and emailed to me, the content of which consisted of him urging me to persevere. My exegesis of this proverb entailed my leaving him increasingly terse voicemails, until one day I could no longer persevere. That was about two years ago.

So Martin, if you’re reading this, let me just say I’m highly anticipating the release of The Heaven Project, and I’m a huge Paul Walker fan.

Leave me your new phone number in the comments section.