A Plea to the God of Summer Blockbusters

Something bitchin’ this way comes...

I am not a religious man by any means. I openly curse nature, I’ve thrown up in several sacred texts, and I’ve driven my own mother to tears by telling her God doesn’t exit. There is one higher power I do believe in however: Summer Blockbusters.

I deeply cherish the fact that millions of dollars go into making a car flip over Bruce Willis, or putting a recovering coke addict into a flying metal suit. Sure, sunshine may be the way you plebs herald in the new summer, but to those who know better, we see it as the time when movies get bigger, louder, and Bruckheimer-ier. Aw shit yes.

I beseech thee then, O Mighty One, He Who Makes Cool Shit Happen in Movies; God of Summer Blockbusters, hear my plea, and if you see it in your divine Way, grant me and my fellow movie-goers the following:

1. At least one scene in a movie where two opponents somehow have bombs in their stomachs, and the detonators to each other’s stomach-bomb are implanted in the palms of the opposite guy, so that when they both upper-cut each other, the dudes simultaneously explode. This can take place in a flaming dove sanctuary for dramatic effect.

2. A movie about a person who somehow has a mohawk made of chainsaws. There should be a scene where he is in a warehouse full of zombie ravers, and he whips his head around to techno music in order to chop up the raving undead. The zombie ravers are extra unpredictable because of all the MDMA coursing through their recently turned systems. The person’s name should be a play on having a chainsaw mohawk, like “Hawk-Saw,” or “Saw-Hawk.” The movie can be called “Kut-Fuckers!”

3. An ominous sci-fi where there’s a futuristic arena game sanctioned by a sinister government that pits warriors who get fired out of cannons against one another. The goal is to be fired back and forth out of massive cannons and battle mid-air with an assortment of weapons at the warriors’ disposal. There can be a scene where one dude headbutts his way through another guy’s chest. At the championships, there will be an ever-changing, 3-D laser grid that cuts people up, as well as hover-gladiators. This one will be titled “Death Grid: Rise of the Hover-Gladiator”