Blow in her Face

Not too long ago, while putzing around online, I found this clever advertisement from the 60's.

At first, I didn’t think much of it, other than to validate that men have always been men and women are put to best use when they’re treated like whores. I guess a part of me wanted to be angry about it, or in the very least deeply offended, but then I realized it was true.

On an innocuous Sunday morning after a wild night on the town I awoke in my friend’s bed. The night before, our friend Stacy had shown up with some guy that looked like a reject from an Abercrombie catalogue from 1996. Only it was twelve years later, and he had no modeling/acting career and a beer gut, he was just some idiot with a popped collar. I hated him immediately. Stacy on the other hand was smitten. She kept saying that she was going to date him and that she really liked him. At brunch, I wanted to stab Stacy.

In the middle of breakfast I readjusted my sunglasses and ordered another Bloody Mary when Stacy started talking about what went on with her and Chet from the night before. Tragically, it turned out Chet lived in the valley and said he was too drunk to drive and ended crashing at her place. Stacy’s ploy to make him her boyfriend started by getting him to think she wasn’t a whore. The best way to do this, in her opinion, was to deny him sex and instead offer a handjob.

Sadly, the whore inside Stacy could not be suppressed and she said, “But I forgot how tiring handjobs were so I got bored and told him to finish it himself and then he came on my face. I am in love.” At first, I wanted to tell Stacy she was a whore lifer, but then some old bitch at a table nearby called Stacy a slut, and she was, but she was my slut. So I stood up and announced, “IF YOU BLOW IN HER FACE SHE’LL FOLLOW YOU ANYWHERE. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I READ AN OLD CIGARETTE AD. NOW YOU KNOW THIS TOO, SO FUCK OFF.”