Stay out of California

The last thing Hollywood needs is a bunch of immigrants coming in and taking entertainment jobs away from native Californians. Damn foreigners always taking our jobs! We were here first! Manifest Destiny was over 100 years ago and your ancestors missed their chance.

I don’t want to sound state-ist or anything, but GO BACK TO IOWA YOU FILTHY SANDBACKS (in reference to crossing the deserts of Nevada, Utah, Arizona and New Mexico to get to California).

Now, I’m fine with some corn-ers here and there to work in the fields like picking espressos from Starbucks for assistant directors (‘Only Starbucks God Dammit. I swear to god if you get me that Coffee Bean diarrhea water your ass is fired. And don’t think I won’t know you little shit’) or being a grossly underpaid on-set maid. But lately, I’ve seen too many foreigners infringing on actual jobs of status in Hollywood. Look who won at the Oscars this year for cryin’ our loud: all outlanders.

I demand the Academy take away the Coen brothers’ Oscar and then immediately melt it down for scrap. No one wants an Oscar tainted by the dirty, snow covered hands of a Minnesotan, let alone two of them. And don’t even get me started on that Illinois harlot Diablo Cody.

But thanks to the courageous efforts of the Republicans, there is legislation and policy being proposed to keep you legal aliens out of the Golden State. There may be some exceptions on a case to case basis but count yourself permanently banned from California if you:

Have never seen the ocean.

Have ever worn a baseball cap into a non-sports bar.

Have ever shoveled snow.

Wear cross-trainers or running shoes when not exercising.

When asked where you would go on a ‘Dream Vacation,’ the most creative and exotic place you can think of is Hawaii.

Wore cargo shorts after 2006.

Do not have a Governor that was a former movie star.

And most importantly: please disregard this article if you are an attractive woman. This does not apply to you. In fact, invite your hot friends to come with you.