Baracksploitation

Barack Obama could be the next Ronald Reagan.

With his 18- to-49 demographic appeal, chiseled good looks, and roster of Hollywood supporters, it's a no-brainer that Barack Obama could pull a "reverse Schwarzenegger" and go into acting if this whole politics thing doesn't work out. Unbeknownst to many, he already has a few offers on the table.

Barack in the USSR: A political thriller set in the early '80s at the height of the Cold War, starring Obama as a US spy on a mission to pants Leonid Brezhnev in Red Square, symbolically revealing to the world the instability and anatomical inadequateness of Communism.

Roebama vs. Wade: A hard-hitting courtroom drama in which Obama plays a lawyer who defends a woman's right to choose because he's simultaneously sleeping with the female defense attorney, who's now pregnant and needs an abortion, stat!

Obama Baby Mama: A romantic comedy in which Obama plays a lifelong bachelor whose life is turned upside down when a woman claiming to carry his love child shows up on his doorstep. They go through wacky hijinks involving Lamaze classes, female hormone imbalances, and delivering the baby on a cherry picker. When the woman eventually reveals that Obama's not really the father, he rebuffs her, but his heart is won over when she shows up one night outside his window, the bastard child in her arms holding a tiny iPod boombox over its soft skull, playing George Michael's "Father Figure".

Barackatoa: A disaster film in which Obama and his family vacation on a volcanic Indonesian island. When the volcano threatens to erupt with an intensity that would cause a new ice age, Obama gathers a ragtag team of scientists, mechanics, and petty criminals to venture inside the mountain and blow it up. Tearjerker moment: Obama says goodbye to his wife using Oreos and a downtempo rendition of the theme song to The Jeffersons.

O'Nama: A searing war epic that finds Obama as a battle-hardened Marine on the front lines of the Viet Nam conflict trying to balance his desire to withdraw the troops from an unwinnable war with his duty to kick as much ass as humanly possible. For the most part, the ass-kicking wins.

Turok Obama: A sci-fi epic blockbuster in which Obama goes back in time to stop dinosaurs from evolving into Republicans.

Oh! Bomb! Aahh!: An action adventure in which Obama is a S.W.A.T. team member who must defuse a bomb on a bus wired to explode if it goes over 50 miles per hour or stops completely. Luckily, it's a gas-electric hybrid that combines great gas mileage with the mediocre performance required to maintain a low speed. To be shot simultaneously with Oh! Bomb! Aahh! 2: Bomb Appétit.