Getting the Most Out of Your Summer Internship

Or how to steal office supplies...

Over the next few weeks, thousands of naïve college kids will descend upon the city to work as unpaid bitches for giant corporate behemoths in the hope that they will one day be able to find a job despite having useless liberal arts degrees. While experience and contacts are valuable, there are so many other things to take advantage of during your three-month vacation to the real world.

Going Places You Don't Belong

Your boss will be invited to clubs, parties and premieres. You won't. You will, however, probably be opening his mail. Just sayin'.

Also, if your office is on the lot, take every opportunity to steal a golf cart and sneak onto all the various movie/tv shows that are shooting. If your office is on the Universal lot, sneak through the service entrance next to the Jurassic Park ride so you can do T2:3D on your lunch break for free. To get past security without being hassled, always make sure to be talking on your cell phone. No matter how sketchy you may appear, no one fucks with the guy on the phone.

Pretending Your Boss' Stuff is Yours

At some point your boss is probably going to ask you to take his Porsche to the shop. In all likelihood, you will never own a Porsche or any car even remotely that awesome. Drive it fast. Drive it really fucking fast. Try to pick up chicks. You won't succeed, but you will feel really good about yourself in the three seconds before the girl gets a good look at you and realizes you're a nerdy twenty-year-old wearing a hand-me-down suit.

Dating Other Interns

Normally, the rule of thumb for inter-office dating is don't shit where you eat. But since you won't be around for that long, have at it while you can. Just know that if you're going after a female intern who is even slightly attractive, she'll already be getting hit on by every other guy in the building and even the dudes in the mail room make more money than you.

Stealing Office Supplies

Generally, if it requires a hand-cart to get to your car, you probably shouldn't take it. Pretty much anything else is fair game.