Words I Never Want to See on Craigslist Again

In the process of searching for a new place to live (my old place is haunted by a clinically depressed 31 year old living ghost of a roommate) I noticed several recurring terms being bandied about the Craig-o-sphere Roommate Finder that I would heretofore like to mercy kill.

"Chill"

Whether it's describing the living space itself, the current occupants, or a desired character trait in a potential roommate, this word is just vague enough to simultaneously apply to everyone and no one. Technically, a coma victim is "chill," while a well-behaved baby is also "chill." As is someone who doesn't do or say anything exceptional, has no opinions, and basically offers the familiar presence of an Ikea item.

"Drama"

This one is basically a catch-all for any sort of conflicting or anti-social behavior. However, this term fails in its lack of specificity. Is the "drama" of a dirty dish the same "drama" caused by discovering a roommate beating off in the shared living room on a sunny Silverlake afternoon? I've found that one man's "drama" is another man's "Look Paul, I was only trying to repeatedly brush a bug off of my genitals, and also it was hot in here."

"420 Friendly"

This numerical term sounds like how a computer program would describe smoking pot. As if the DEA is going to come after you if you use perfectly good terms like "blazing it," "burning one down," or "sucking the smoky-cum from the Green Dragon's leafy prick." 420 friendly could also refer to those who are pals with Hitler's birthday or, chummy with the day that Columbine happened.

So Your Husband’s Been Caught in a Sex Scandal

So, your politician husband’s been caught fucking somebody else. Hopefully, you haven’t cut his dick off yet.

Maybe you knew all along, maybe you’re just finding out. Either way, you’ve got to start thinking about your future. Here are a few tips to make it through this awful experience and come out on top:

1) Stand by Your Man

I’m sure the last thing you want to do is to stand there sheepishly at your cheating husband’s press conference while he admits to being a man-whore. But if you want to get to that silver lining, it’s a must. Feminists will give you a ton of shit for this. They’ll say you’re whipped, that you’re a gold-digger. At best, everyone will talk about how much they pity you. But if you leave him now, in a few months, they’ll call you much worse: frigid, bitchy, cold. They’ll blame you. Plus, you miss your chance at a headline. This is what seasoned political professionals call “owning the news cycle.” You’ve got to be patient. Remember, even the first lady of New Jersey waited two months before leaving her husband- and he was..."cock friendly."

2) Keep a Journal

For why, skip to #3.

3) Write a Book

Don’t worry, it’s a figure of speech, you don’t actually have to write it yourself. That’s why we said to keep a journal. You give that journal to a ghost writer, and five to eight months later, presto, you got a book. You might be embarrassed to have someone else write a book for you. Don’t be, no one’s going to read it anyway. The point is to appear on a bunch of TV shows and get your name in the press. #1 and #3 make a perfect fake-out combo for those feminists. First, they think you’re a doormat. But feminists have pretty low standards- all it takes is one book that you don’t even have to write, and you’ll be hailed as the next Gloria Gaynor.

4) The World is Your Oyster

Now that you’re somewhat famous, you can pretty much sit back and wait for the job offers to roll in. You’ll be invited to sit on the board of all sorts of crazy companies, which is basically like getting money for doing nothing. You might choose to “write” another book. Or co-host The View.

How Apple is like Hollywood

Apple has had massive success in the last few years by making LA hipsters feel superior. Seems like Hollywood and Apple have a lot in common.

The Success of Things Too Thin, Fragile and Devoid of Practicality:

Apple proved its love of things that are pretty but useless with the Macbook Air. It frequently gets thrown away in stacks of newspapers because it’s too light, it breaks easily in luggage when traveling, and its only physical connector is one USB port (making all your porn-filled external drives completely useless). And if a strong wind blows it away, you may end up hosting your late-night talk show with a black eye.

Hollywood proved its love of things that are pretty and useless by casting Jessica Alba in Good Luck Chuck, Awake, The Eye, and The Love Guru all in the last year.

False Sense of Individuality:

You can make smug comments in front of your PC friends about how your Mac ‘never get viruses’ and looks like an alien shat it out. But then still have the comfort of knowing you have the cult-like following of Photoshop geeks to support you and your lack-luster financial decision.

If you’re actually successful in Hollywood , you can sleep well knowing that you’re one in a million. When you travel outside of LA, people are guaranteed to be jealous and not know what you’re talking about when you use terms like ‘spec script’ or ‘key grip.’ But at the same time, when you’re in LA it seems like everyone you know is somehow a writer or actor and claims Kurosawa as their main influence.

Now hurry up and “Think Different,” ie. get an iPhone so you can watch crappy movie trailers in wide screen.

The L.A. Dating Scene: A Compost Heap of Treasure

Welcome to Los Angeles. You’ve moved here to pursue your dream or maybe just a lifetime of fun in great weather. Too bad though ladies, the gene pool here is shallow, like my Louboutin shoes and Louis Vuitton purse.

Here are the six men you'll meet here before you go home to wherever small useless town you’re from with the hopes of reuniting with your high school sweetheart, but not before you bring home a raging case of herpes.

1. Brooding Artist Guy – He’s amazing for the first two weeks. You’ll have sex in every imaginable place. He’ll finger you under the table at a dinner party while sardonically putting everyone in the room down. All your friends will want to sleep with him and he will try and talk you into letting this happen. Eventually, you will come home and find him fucking some guy in his band.

2. Tad Allagash, the Perpetual Stuck-up Yuppie – He comes equipped with the company credit card and typically, a lot of blow. As he evolves he’ll prove his debonair style and grace with expensive purchases and fancy restaurants. Eventually, he’ll start saying lame things like he wants to make love and will never be able to fuck you quite right. He will cry during sex, but it’s all worth it because your friends are jealous. At some point, you’ll become bored and start sleeping with his out-of-work friend because everyone knows blue collar guys are top of the pops when it comes to fucking.

3. Adonis the Illiterate Dumbass – You find yourself smiling and nodding more than you’ve ever done in your entire life. The mere fact that he looks better than any man you have ever seen naked keeps you around when he confuses a violin with a harmonica. One night you will have enough of his stupidity and leave him at a 7-11. When you call him a month later and he brings it up you can tell him it never happened and he will have to trust you because he is just that dumb.

4. Wannabe Actor/Musician Guy – You’re not sure how you even met him, but it was during a very famous drunken blackout where you ended up stealing a bottle of wine from the bodega and running back to his house. Your friends hate him. This might be the attraction at first. Then it’s the fact that he’s a loser-monster with a substance abuse problem and membership to every sort of anonymous meeting you could imagine. The sex is great and you can steal his Xanax. One night he calls you from jail to bring him his Wellbutrin because he got caught shoplifting from Bloomingdales. He blames you because he was stealing you a gift.

5. Pretentious Writer/Filmmaker Man – There is nothing like having every last one of your opinions and ideas shot down like Ice Man is piloting the guy you’re dating. This know-it-all fucko spends all his waking hours working on the magnum opus he says will be named after you while getting high. Periodically, you’re in the equation and it’s usually after he’s been drinking all night and he cannot get an erection.

6. Rugged Surfer – The modern cowboy. His home is wherever he rests his head and usually that’s where the waves are large and frequent. The ocean is his true love and you’re that nasty habit he cannot stop. Whenever you run into him at the bar he fucks you hard in the alley within five minutes and then the two of you return to keep drinking while acting like nothing happened.

Barista No More

A humble writer/frappucino-maker is visited at work by talent agent leeches with an intriguing offer.

I’ve been writing since high school, mostly skits, IMs, and unfortunate love letters, but in the last couple years I’ve decided to branch/sell-out and write screenplays.

6 weeks ago, I gave one of my scripts to a friend who in turn gave it to a friend and a friend’s friend.

5 weeks ago I went on some meetings.

4 weeks ago (according to Variety) I became “high six figures” richer.

Cue the Jaws music.

How they found out I worked at Starbucks - this Starbucks - I’ll never know. At first I thought it was just a regular pack of agents on a coffee break, but these lil’ bastards had me cornered and my green-apron-of-invisibility was no match for their soulless gazes.

“Hey guys, look! It’s Hollywood’s hottest new scribe!”

“Ha. What can I get for you gentlemen?”

“Wooooaaaaah! She’s so professional! You’re good!”

"Do you want some coffee?”

They ordered like douche bags; speaking fluent Starbucksease, a ridiculous language made up of bastardized Italian and commercial diet terms that only people paid to do so should speak. I rang them up and pretended to get back to some important business I had going on over by the sink.

“Hey (he said my name), did you see what I put in the tip jar?”

“Ha. No.”

“Wellllll?” This was a trick. “We want you to know, we really think you’re very talented. We loved your script and if you sign with us we’d take care of you.”

I pulled out my hand from the jar to reveal the highly coveted Black American Express. I was holding the company credit card of the biggest talent and literary agency in the world.

“Very funny. Thanks.”

I slid the card toward him with my finger, but he grabbed my arm before I could let go.

“No. I’m serious. Take it. Take it for today. Get out of here (Starbucks). Take it and take your friends out. To lunch. To the Peninsula. To wherever the fuck you want. Go to Bloomingdales and go nuts. Let us take care of you, you deserve it.”

“Thanks. I’ll consider that.” I released the card.

Somehow, sort of by accident, I sold a screenplay.

I guess I can’t steal croissants anymore.

How Can we be Lovers?

Amanda makes love with a Michael Bolton fan. Self-loathing and masturbation soon follow.

Dear Diary,

Why do I keep thinking about that guy Claude? I mean the sex was terrible, he lived in Malibu (gag,) and he looked like a faggy hairless alien. I don’t even remember if he made me cum when we were in the same room, so how is it that he’s been responsible for my last thirteen orgasms?

Honestly, I’m not even sure how he got me in the sack in the first place. Boy, I must have really hated myself that week. I mean the guy had a whole collection of Michael Bolton cds and dvds. And not just one or two, but enough so that browsing through his stuff before he fucked me, I noticed, wow, that’s a lot of Michael Bolton.

So why does it get me off to imagine him spoon dicking me and calling me his “little fuck toy”? When he said it to me in real life, it more than kind of disturbed me and I’ve never been a big fan of the spoon position (post-coitus, fine, but during, it makes your dick feel like 3 inches shorter, which is hardly ever a positive.)

Then when I woke up in his bed the next morning, he gave me a brand new toothbrush to brush my teeth before I did the drive of shame back to the east side. I’ve always been a little weirded out by guys who keep extra toothbrushes ready for overnight guests. I mean, hi, we just played tonsil hockey and then you stuck your tongue in my asshole, I don’t think you’re going to die from letting me use your toothbrush. But maybe the gesture was more benevolent than that and he was just trying to save me from swapping spit with all the other girls with low self-esteem who somehow found themselves getting fucked in the fetal position that week. In which case, thank you Michael Bolton man, this one’s for you.

Yours truly,

Amanda

If the Candidates were Video Game Consoles...

I often sit around wondering things like “who would win in a fight between a Velociraptor and a Robocop?” and, “if video game systems were presidential candidates, what candidates would they be?” The first question answers itself, but the second question is more complicated.

After careful analysis, I think I’ve uncovered the answers.

Let’s start with the Playstation 3, more commonly called the “PS3” or “the overpriced one.” Tall and black, the PS3 would clearly be Hillary Clinton. The PS3 is quite capable, and has years of PS2 experience to guide it. But even though the PS3 has strong qualifications, everyone knows that a large part of its popularity is based on the charismatic predecessor that shares the family name.

Nintendo’s Wii is clearly Democrat Barack Obama. They both have slightly funny sounding names, and have both won the imaginations of young people.

The Wii and Obama both try to appeal to people in who normally don’t participate in the process, and have a message of bringing people together. They have both managed to get people to send them a crapload of money online.

In fact, if Obama played Ron Paul in a game of Super Smash Brothers Brawl while on an iPhone, the internet would explode.

With the PS3 and the Wii taken, it leaves only one machine to represent the likely Republican candidate, John McCain. That is, of course, the Atari 2600.

We all remember the brave service the Atari 2600 performed for America back in the day. It takes a brave system to endure the torture of the “E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial.” But can it handle the challenge of today’s games? Of course not. The processing power required would probably make it overheat with rage.

And not many people know this, but the Atari 2600 is a strong advocate of continuing the war in Iraq, and is against a woman’s right to choose. Keep your laws out of my uterus, Atari 2600!

I hope this insightful and unbiased report will help you decide to vote for, or at least what video game system to buy. And remember, my uterus is strictly metaphorical.

Prediction: Even though the Wii is the most popular system, Atari and Diebold are owned by the same company. McCain wins.

Emasculated: Fighting the Metrosexual Agenda

When most men are packing up their stagecoach (96’ Toyota Camry) to fulfill their Manifest Destiny to Hollywood, they’re almost always packing one item too much: their manhood. Save yourself the step of culture shock and leave your balls back in Wisconsin because you’re certainly not going to be using them here.

Back in your hometown, one of the ‘gayest’ things you could do was wear a cardigan. Here in Hollywood, having sex with men is barely considered ‘gay.’ Here are some loopholes for us wiley ones who prefer to keep the hair on our scrote.

Do not under any circumstance:

• Eat red meat: Vegan Hipsters now control the North and East side of LA and all of Hollywood. Unless you want to come off as a puppy murderer or cat rapist, I’d steer clear of red meat. Consult anyone at Amoeba Music or anyone on a Fixed-Gear bike for further dietary restrictions.

Loophole: Eat exotic meats like Hossenfeffer and Bresaola. A hipster’s elitism and desire for all consumer goods that sound foreign will override their self-righteous ideals.

• Watch football: The only reason LA has any sports teams at all is so when they win, we can further develop a superiority complex with the rest of the country. And since we don’t have an NFL team and are unable to compete, we’ve deemed football in general as uncultured.

Loophole: Watch hockey. It’s like if the movie ‘Rambo’ was about sports and written by a Canadian.

• Drinking beer: Nothing says mediocrity like ordering a beer at a bar. In LA, you get bonus points if the bartender doesn’t recognize the drink you want and you belittle them for ‘not knowing what a god damn Iron Butterfly is. This place is a joke.’

Loophole: Turn it around on them. Order a ‘Chimay’ and tell them how uncultured they are for not supporting the Trappist Monks who make it. Also prepare to get shit-faced on a 9% abv beer.

You’ll also be expected to:

• Keep up with the latest fashions: And you thought American Eagle was expensive. Try a thousand dollar T-shirt from Fred Segal on for size. Also, get comfortable with “Project Runway” being your favorite TV show.

Loophole: Make your own shirts. Nothing says “I’m better than you” like having a one-of-a-kind custom shirt. Nothing.

• Get 200$ Haircuts: All that money you saved from having your Mom cut your hair is now going to be put to use. And remember, it’s not about how good you look; it’s about how much you spent.

Loophole: Go to Fantastic Sam’s and tell people you did it to be ironic.

• Get facials: No, not the facials you’re thinking of. I’m talking cucumber slices and the whole sha-bang. You better hurry up because I can see those pores from here!

Loophole: If you grow a beard, not only will you not have to wear make-up, you’ll look like a hard ass. It’s a very well established principle that if you have a beard, no one will question you if you punch them in the face.

Congratulations: If you can go through the completely emasculating experience that is Hollywood unscathed, you have proven to be manlier than a Lumberjack having a chainsaw sword-fight with Sean Connery.