How to Be Black in the San Fernando Valley

Black People: DO NOT attempt to exit the 101 before reading this!

Black people looking to move to Los Angeles should know two things:

1) There are 415,298 African-Americans living in the Los Angeles metropolitan area; and

2) 415,296 of them live outside of the San Fernando Valley.

The other two -- my wife and I -- live in Burbank. Don't let this dissuade you from settling here, though -- we'd love the company -- but just know that there are certain steps you should take in order to make your assimilation as smooth as possible.

1) Realize that being black is so rare in the Valley that it's not always considered a bad trait. It's sort of like being a leprechaun; people are amazed to find out that you're actually real. If possible, play up the magic angle.

2) If you suddenly feel a white person's hands fondling your hair, go with the flow. They're naturally curious but harmless unless threatened. Just smile and let it happen. Shower afterwards.

3) Avoid playing basketball.

4) Realize that people will view you as a representation of your race. Don't shuffle, loaf, or do anything that could be interpreted as shucking and/or jiving.

5) Point your handgun with the sight in the correct vertical position. Holding it sideways, gangsta-style, is such a stereotype.

6) Don't stand near a U-Haul unless you want a short-term job offer. (They might think you're Mexican)

7) Know that Burbank is an incorporated city with its own police force. As such, avoid jaywalking, standing on street corners for more than 30 seconds while waiting for the light to change, shifty eye movement, and pocket bulges.

8) Thank God that you're not in Simi Valley.