Le Car of the Year

My 2007 Prius, Touring Edition, is saving the environment, but killing me.

I’m just not sure what I was thinking when I cobbled together 3,000 American dollars and convinced that credit union that blew up last week to spot me the rest. My car payment is more akin to rent. And I’m a work-from-home writer—I only go out-of-doors to scrounge for food, and I walk to the supermarket. So, instead of hanging my head in fiscal defeat, I invented Transport System 2.0. And it began with departing with my beloved eco-friendly stallion.

Step 1. Sell Prius.
Silver Prii are like blondes, they’re everywhere and everyone wants to be in one, so selling one was super easy thanks to Craig and his magical List. Step two of step one was giving this money directly to said bank, which either needs to change its name to Bank of Bosnia or spend my dollars on walls.

Step 2. Buy The Cheapest/Coolest New/Old Wheels Possible.
I considered what my dream used car would be. It took me about 37 seconds:

The Year’? 1982. That’s like, vintage! It’s sort of indisputable that this is the best car ever made. The only way it could be better is if it was read: Le California Car. Finding one was a bit harder 'cause no sane person would give one of these babies up, but I sleuth’d a mint one in Hawaii. So, 1,500 dead presidents later (500 for the car and 1,000 for shipping) Le Car was Le Mine.

Step 3. Le Driver
With all these Prius Bucks I’m now saving every month, I can afford to hire a chauffeur.
Whenever I want to go out, I roll over to the Home Depot and pick up a day laborer. Preferably one with a valid driver’s license. But I’m not picky, basically the guy that smells the best wins (it’s a small car).

Step 4. Enjoy Life From The Back Seat.
Or out the sunroof! LA is pretty to look at! Driving is hard work! I never need to valet! I’m not one of those assholes who gets car sick, so it’s also free reading time! And there’s nothing like the look on people’s faces when I roll up to Area/Hyde/LAX (club & airport), Jesus/Jose/Juan gets out, walks around the car, opens the passenger door, tilts the seat forward, and helps me out. And for ten bucks an hour, I can go out twenty-five times a month for two hours atta time and it’d still be a savings!

Update: I’ve converted Le Car to Bio-Diesel, so while I’m “out” my driver goes in search of grease!