Team Fortress 2 Makes Me Hate Myself

Why does my computer feel the need to remind me of my worthlessness?

People choose different ways to waste their lives. Some people watch TV. Others pursue an acting “career.” Personally, I tend to surf around the internet, and play video games.

Except for the crushing loneliness, I’ve been generally content with this non-existence until the last few months, when I started playing a game called Team Fortress 2, or as the kids call it, TF2.

The problem is that TF2 makes me hate myself.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun game. Addicting even, which may be the problem. See, when I load up a new map, it shares with me the amount of time I’ve been playing. Not the amount of time since I sat down to play, but the time I’ve spent playing it. Ever.

It’s in a box called “Your Performance Report”, but should be more accurately called “Say goodbye to your 20s.”

According to my performance report, I’ve played about 170 hours, almost 50 hours as the engineer class alone. And that class is lame.

Using what’s left of my math skills, I’ve calculated that 170 hours is over four 40 hour weeks: A whole month of additional full-time employment. At the pay rate of my current job, I could have earned literally hundreds of dollars.

170 hours would be enough time to crank out an entire screenplay. And everyone knows that this town is desperately short on screenplays.

Or I could have maybe dated a girl. 170 hours of relationship could possibly translate into dozens of minutes of sex.

Or I could have maybe exercised a little. I took my shirt off the other day, and I think I'm a B cup now. A full B.

So why do I still play? I bought the game for about fifty bucks, so each hour of amusement has cost me about thirty cents. That’s the best deal in entertainment since back when Grandpa was slipping quarters into the knickers of dancing French street floosies.

Compare that to seeing a movie. 2 hours for $12. $6 an hour? Buying a DVD doesn't compare unless you watch the same movie about 25 times. What about spending $15 on a measly 40 minutes of music? A stripper charges $30 for 3 minute lap dance. No, thanks.

I’m all about value. And I'm not alone. Maybe that's why Halo 3 sunk the box-office the weekend it was released.