The Couch Hopping Guide

It's safe to say that you're not really a true Angeleno until you've taken an extended residence on your buddy's couch.

Times are tough when you've just made it to the big city. You probably don't have a job, and if you do it's an unpaid internship, so why pay rent when you can just take advantage of someone else's goodwill?

Finding the Right Friend To Mooch Off Of

I went to an expensive, private college filled with tons of spoiled, rich kids and then made friends with the financial aid students. Don't make the same mistake as me. When you finally move to LA, you're going to want to fall back on Clayton, the trust-fund baby whose parents bought him that house with the pool in Los Feliz, not Gary the PA who lives in a Van Nuys bachelor.* Clayton doesn't give a shit how long you stay, because it's not like he's paying the bills. Gary wants a portion of the rent for every night you sleep in his parking space.

You'll also do well to find someone who has a ridiculous 70-hour assistant workweek. They won't be around for you to get on their nerves and when they do get back to the apartment, they'll go straight to bed without nagging about all your luggage strewn across their living room.

Create the Appearance of Progress

The majority of couch-hosters aren't going to want to give shelter to someone who seems like they will be there forever, so it's important to establish the facade that this arrangement is only temporary. Leave your laptop on the coffee table with the Craigslist housing pages onscreen at all times so they think you might be moving out soon.

Getting Laid

Her place.

Dealing With Your Friend's Roommate

This is the trickiest and most common problem that all couch-hoppers will encounter. Sure, you were on friendly terms with the guy beforehand, but once you move into his living room, you two are destined to become mortal enemies.

He didn't agree to let you live there and not pay rent. The most effective way to deal with the roommate is to simply sow the seed of hatred for him into your friend. It's as easy as eating all your friend's food while he's away and then blaming it on the other guy. Once this has been accomplished, your friend will now want you to stay at his place purely out of spite. It'll definitely make your living situation more awkward, but it always beats signing a lease.

*Guantanamo Bay prison cell with a hot plate.