Pope Benedict’s L.A. Itinerary

The Pope's itinerary from his recent trip to Los Angeles has surfaced on the Internet.

Day 1:

9:15 a.m. - Kick off “Pope It Like It’s Hot” promotion of the new RCC (Roman Catholic Church)

12:00 - Lunch at Nobu

2:30 p.m. – Deliver ultimatum to Hollywood Jews: “One more ‘Basic Instinct’ sequel… or else.”

4:45 p.m. - Test the durability of the Pope Mobile’s bullet-proof glass by doing two full miles on the 405

9:00 p.m. - Cage match with Tom Cruise for control of the greater universe

Day 2:

9:15 a.m. – Issue Papal Edict 919: “Double Bacon Croaissanwich, stat.”

11:30 a.m. – Kimmel live (use childhood stigmata anecdote)

1:30 – Return Zeta-Jones’ phone call; ‘Sorry, it’s binding, you’re stuck with him.’

4:00 p.m. - Chin lift; eyes done.

11:00 p.m. – Clubbin’ on Sunset. (wear black robes, gold cross)

Day 3:

9:15 a.m. – Bloody Marys, Alka-Seltzer

10:00 a.m. – 2 p.m. – Cut tracks for new album: “Pontiffication” (feat. Chingy), “Love Missal,” and “Psalm Like it Hot.”

12:00 p.m. – Anointing of the sick rims on Chingy’s Escalade

2 p.m.- 5 p.m. – Shop for new robes on Rodeo, pimp Holy Miter with crystals

Days 4-6: Vegas, baby!

Day 7:

8:00 a.m. - Return flight. Take quiet time to visit His altar and worship at the feet of Christianity’s only higher power – Mel Gibson.