I Would Do Anything for Love…But No Way In Hell Can I Do That

I met my ex-boyfriend at an audition for this horror short about a haunted movie theater that kills people by (among other ways) boiling them in popcorn butter. He was the writer, and I noticed him immediately because he was poster-boy Caucasian, and that kind of blond perfection just gets me off.

So we started dating and things were going well except for…my ex-boyfriend wasn’t getting what he needed from me sexually. And I struggled with that. This had never been an issue previously and I was doing what I felt I could.

I was fucking him AND sucking his cock. A LOT.

That’s when he offered to make me a porn tape off all his favorite porn moments. I was into it: this was going to be sexy. Being somewhat of an editor, he’d pulled all of his favorite porn clips off various internet sites but was unable to get the appropriate sound. So he set the tape to a song: Meatloaf’s “I Would Do Anything for Love.”

The tape was filled with girls sucking cock, girls getting fucked from behind, girls with boobs bouncing all around. One thing all the clips had in common: each of the girls was Latina. Not a Caucasian in the bunch. The most telling clip was probably the segment where a Latina “babysitter” took a bib and a rattle from a full grown-man, and then had him sit on HER lap while they acrobatically fucked in this oversized high-chair.

Suddenly the pieces began to fall in place. Things like his obsession with the Spanish language. I mean he doesn’t SPEAK Spanish, but he is obsessed with those Rosetta Stone Spanish commercials AND he loves the taco truck next to Von's in Echo Park (who doesn’t?), but I also remember that he’d told me he spent a lot of time with his housekeeper Maria growing up. Fetishes get started early and in a flash I was pretty clear on what I’d have to do to get him off sexually: be reincarnated Latina.

That’d have to wait for another lifetime.