Florida to Ban Truck Nutz

I lived in Florida for a few years before moving here to Los Angeles, and it seems like I escaped just in time. The Florida legislature is cracking down on the most sacred form of self expression: Fake testicles you can hang on your trailer hitch.

They are called Truck Nutz. Well, that’s slightly inaccurate. There are lots of brands, but Truck Nutz somehow got their name to represent an entire industry. They’re like the Kleenex of fake testicles. I don’t know Truck Nutz’ marketing team pulled if off, when Bumper Nuts have the added feature of uneven testicle length, and Bulls Balls feature sturdier construction and can come in a camo pattern.

Whatever the name, the fascists in the Florida Legislature want to ban them, forcing truck owners to drive around in castrated, humiliated trucks. Barely trucks at all. They say they have to do this because Truck Nutz look indecent. You know what’s really indecent? Taking away our right to express yourself. With nuts.

Thankfully, here in the Golden Sate, our politicians know better. We aren’t going to freak out when we spot a plastic scroat or two dangling off the back of a Hummer.

“But what about the Children?” you might ask if you were a whiney bitch, “Shouldn’t we protect them from the sight of dangly rubber genitalia?”

Well I’m no psychologist, but I bet seeing that dangly rubber genitalia is good for kids for some reason. Probably for learning

California is already a leader in Environmental issues. Why not take the lead on genital-related freedom of speech issues? Not only should we embrace the freedom to hang our Truck Nutz where we please, we should make it a point of pride.

Hell, put a pair of Truck Nutz your Prius. Let people know that not only can you drive in the carpool lane, you’re more of a man when you’re doing it.

Put a pair on your Vespa. On your rollerblades.

But why stop there? Why not just get the West Hollywood Fire Department to design their hoses so they look like massive dicks? Now there’s a cause we can all get behind.

[Apparently, the resolution didn't pass because one of the Senators had Truck Nutz himself. Freedom wins again!]