Ask a Black Person: Racial Sensitivity for Hollywood Studios

Cultural sensitivity can be as easy as asking one of "you people."

A lot of Al Sharpton-led picket lines could be averted if Hollywood studios would just have a black person on call to bounce ideas off of. Allow me to offer my services.

Q: I need a rapist for a movie and have narrowed the actors down to a white guy and a black guy. All things being equal, which one should I choose?

A: You can hire the black guy without feeling guilty if you balance that negative stereotype with a positive one. For instance, the rapist could be sent to jail, where he develops his instinctual ability to play basketball. When he's released, he goes to college on a scholarship and makes it to the NBA, where he becomes a superstar. Then, ironically enough, he's free to rape at will. Can you say twist ending?

Q: My company has always prided itself on realistic, culturally sensitive casting, and right now we're putting together a mostly Negro ensemble piece. The leads will be played by Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon, and we're looking for a young actress who could conceivably be their daughter -- you know, color-wise. We're leaning towards Dakota Fanning. Is this realistic? ...Mariah Carey being half white and all.

A: Wow, I don't know what's more disturbing: your evaluation of talent or your understanding of basic genetics. The only way you can keep Dakota Fanning is if you write her character with an advanced case of vitiligo.

Q: I'm a veteran Hollywood director whose movies haven't yet found an audience within the African-American marketplace. What can I do to, you know, get jiggy with it?

A: You're not fooling anyone, Ron Howard. I know it's you. I would suggest that you do something drastic, like -- I don't know -- casting some black people, but since you'd probably end up writing dialogue with words like "jiggy" in it, I'd say we're all better off the way things are.

Q: I'm directing my first black love scene, and I want it to be accurate. You guys like doggy style, right?

A: Yeah, if it involves a pound of flour, a burlap sack, and yo' mama. Oh snap! But seriously, yes. Yes, we do.

Q: Is Vin Diesel black? We've got a quota to meet.

A: He's 1/3 black, 1/3 Italian and 1/3 asshole. So, you need 2/3 more of a black person for your quota. Try some combination of Halle Berry and Jessica Alba.