Hollywood Facial Hair Guide

In a land where your appearance can make up about 80 percent of your net worth, its not your mouth that does the talking, it’s the follicle-laden area around it that speaks for you.

Soul Patch: You refer to graffiti as “art” and refuse to attend films not made in Europe. You love bands no one has ever heard of and if you have to wear glasses, their frames are as thick as a Goodyear.

Chinstrap: You are either a wealthy pro athlete or someone who has recently married Britney Spears. You spend more time sculpting this creation than you do at a job, and gold jewelry figures heavily into your wardrobe.

Moustache: You are deeply tanned, have bad taste in sunglasses and are likely here illegally. I mean you, Burt Reynolds.

Full beard: You are at the extreme end of the wealth scale – meaning you are either Steven Spielberg or picking through his garbage. Either way, your looks matter little to you.

Three Day Scruff: You concoct painfully transparent schemes to look cooler or more hip than you are. You frequently shop at second-hand stores and wear sneakers that look just as good on middle-schoolers.

Handlebars: Hygiene is not a priority for you, but kicking ass and drinking Pabst are at the top of the list. You own or may have starred in the first season of Jackass. You may also be gay, but we’re not going to ask.

Goatee: You have a lot of insecurity to cover up, and you have apparently decided that insecurity rests mostly on your chin and upper lip. You are also weirdly comfortable with your assumed status as a sexual predator.

Pencil ‘stache: Hello John Waters.