Instant Legitimacy with Video Cameras!

Video may have killed the radio star, but it's created a butt-load of new stars to take his place.

Back in the day, life lessons like "Wear clean underwear" or "Never leave bruises" could keep you out of hot water, but in this modern age, a more techno-savvy rule of thumb is needed: "Always bring a video camera." Cameras legitimize even the hinkiest of situations, turning potential embarrassment or incarceration into fame and/or fortune.

Situation #1: So, you like streetwalkers. Who doesn't? John Q. Law, that's who. Getting The Man off your back is as easy as one simple equation:

* Prostitution (Illegal!) + video camera = porn (Legal!).

Filming your sordid Motel 6 fling turns a sex crime into low art.


Situation #2: Is Jodie Foster sending you subliminal messages again? Does she secretly want you to follow her every move, no matter what those restraining orders say? Well...

* Stalking (Illegal!) + video camera = paparazzi (Legal!).


Situation #3: Poor guy. Not even the skanky burnout girls at school will give you the time of day. The solution:

* Girls who would never go about with a dork like you + video camera = girls fighting over a dork like you because they think they're on a dating show.


Situation #4: You've got all the teen angst of the Columbine kids, but you lack the dedication and firepower. Why not get your frustration out on video?

* Social retard - inhibitions + web cam = YouTube superstar.

Make sure your venting and/or pathetic display of coordination is as authentic a train wreck as possible in order to maximize replayability.


Situation #5: You're a pampered rich girl who's known, but not really KNOWN. Find a similarly desperate D-lister of either sex willing to penetrate your nether regions, because...

* Wannabe celebrity + video camera + faux outrage = celebrity sex tape + backend profits.


Situation #6: Face it, ex-star of some show from the '80s, your best days are behind you. Ninety percent of your fan base is ironic. Try this on for size:

* Wilting celebrity status + drunken stupor + cheeseburger + video camera = renewed celebrity status.


Situation #7: You and everyone in your entire upper-crust clique are complete tools. Your families have interbred so many times over the generations that you're probably dating your half-sister. You have no talent, no technical skills and nothing to offer the world other than a trust fund and Brandon Davis's phone number...and a video camera.

* Douchebag high school cliques + video camera = hit MTV show.