D-guy: I give "notes"

I’ve slaved in the Hollywood trenches as a “development executive” for years now. What’s that mean? That I don’t actually write, produce or direct movies. Instead, I give “notes” to people who do.

That’s the cornerstone of the development business – reading scripts or listening to brief pitches and telling those who create how to make their material better (or more likely, how to make it more like whatever film was most recently successful, i.e. Juno). Now I take my hard-earned experience and put it to use punching up non- industry pitches.

Pitch #1 – Homeless man at the gas station across from Hollywood Park Casino, 2 a.m.

Original pitch – “Hey man, I’m not a bum. That’s my car over there. My wife is in the hospital and I’m just tryin’ to get some gas to get over there. Can ya help me out?”

Notes – I’m not buying in. Hook me into your story by opening the kimono. The devil’s in the details. And the wife in the hospital is a little played out. Could it be a niece with kidney disease? Or terminal AIDS? Just throwing it out there. There’s a real third act problem too, in that your pitch never really goes anywhere. I think we’re missing a prime opportunity to capitalize on the inherent drama in the situation. Like when the guy drove off in the car you claimed was yours, you could have cried out “That bastard just stole my ride!”

Pitch #2 – Woman selling bacon-wrapped hot dogs outside of the Staples Center after a Laker game

Original pitch – Rancid smell, babbling in Mexican.

Notes – Maybe that kind of thing plays in the barrio, but we’re not just interested in the Latino audience – this isn’t Fox Searchlight. I’d consider appealing to all four quadrants by learning some basic English. And I was a little confused by the logic of the aroma. Maybe we could clarify by having you say “That’s not diarrhea. It’s a bacon-wrapped hot dog.”

Pitch #3 – Mugger, Alley off of Crenshaw Blvd, 3:22am

Original pitch – “Give me all your money, fucker. [SLAP, KICK]. Give me your wallet.”

Notes – I could have done without the slapping or hitting. You know the story about Hitchcock’s bomb under the table and the two guys are talking about baseball? Suspense versus surprise, right. Also, I’m just spitballing here, but for the "wallet" line, something like “or I'll stab you in the sack” might be better. I know it’s a little cliché, but how about if the knife was a gun? And maybe, just to make it a little fresher, you actually pull the trigger on me? But get this. The chamber’s not loaded. Big scare, and we don’t even have to pay for a gun gag.

Pitch #4 – Seedy looking hooker in the lobby of the Imperial Palace, 4:47am

Original pitch – “Hey, handsome. You lookin’ to party?”

Notes – None. I bought it in the room.