Jail Essentials

A princess's guide to night in LA County lock-up.

Major bummer! You were driving with your Chihuahua on your lap, again, and you totally get pulled over. No biggie, you’ve only had a few cocktails, but the cop makes you walk the line. You fall down, and end up twisted in your Christian Dior like a total jag off.

The cop turns out to be a major hard ass, and doesn’t go for the nifty in your pocket, and shazam; you’re in LA county lockup.

You’re trippin’ balls. Stay calm. Nicole totally lost five pounds in the clink, and Paris went on Oprah afterwards. This could be totally sweet!

You plead your case of insanity, the judge laughs and instead of your own suite you’re in there with the wolves. Some of those biatches have like totally killed someone. You’re trippin’ balls again. Chillax. We’ve got some pointers to help you survive.

When you first arrive at lock-up, you will be quizzed on your gang affiliation, and sexual orientation. Homos go with homos, and bloods with bloods. You choose.

No worries about gang colors. You’ll be wearing comfy scrubs, which make for an awesome Halloween costume next year—you can be an inmate, or a sexy nurse!

Phone cards are available for ten dollars so that nifty will come in handy. You can use the phones, but none of them have text messaging. Lame! Brush up on your Pig Latin, because all calls are monitored. Oncjugal isitsvay onway idaysfray oy! Conjugal visits on Fridays, yo!

There’s no gym at county, but inmates do enjoy doing pushups inside their cells. Can we say free Pilates?

You’ll get three square meals a day in jail. Eggs for breakfast, bologna for lunch, and meat sauce for dinner. Vegan options include water.

There’s great TV in county thanks to Robert Downey Junior who bought big screens for every floor after his most recent visit. The longer you stay, the more remote control you get, so get ready for a “Friends” marathon!

If you’re still flying off the hook, hang in there. Just don’t pick any fights, and you’ll get out for good behavior. Plus with an average daily population of 21-thousand inmates, maybe you’ll totally make a new friend, or hetero life mate.