How to Sleep With That Hot D-Girl

Is there any sight more wonderful than the D-Girl? The lower-echelon development chick, clad in her ¾ length sweater overcoat, clutching her $1200 handbag stuffed with specs to read over the weekend and sipping a Cosmo at the bar.

Bagging a D-Girl is a rite of passage for any Hollywood denizen. Here are a few strategies to help you get the greenlight for intercourse.

Option 1 – Fake it.

D-Girls sleep with people based on what they can do for them.

You’re a grip. That’s a good, steady job. Thanks to the IATSE union contract, you make a decent living. Hell, falling behind schedule on the last episode of Girlfriends meant Golden Time kicked in, and that bought your F-150 Crew Cab. But you’re still a low man on the Hollywood totem pole. D-Girls will bang an agent or manager who can get them that hot spec, a studio executive, a hot writer, an up-and-coming director, or a mid-level producer. Be one of those. All you need are a few business cards, and a reference to a development deal somewhere and you can be a producer. By the time she realizes you’re getting up at 5am to push a dolly on the sequel to New York Minute, you’ve already had a two-picture deal with her vagina.

Option 2 – Feign interest.

All D-Girls are frustrated creative types and/or intellectuals.

They have prestigious Ivy League degrees. They wrote poetry, prose, or screenplays. They acted. And then they realized they couldn’t pay the bills with their art, so they sold out. Far easier than pretending to be a Hollywood bigwig is pretending you share their interests. Practice these phrases:

“I agree, Matthew Barney is the only truly innovative filmmaker working today.”

“I’m actively involved in helping end the genocide in the Sudan.”

“No kidding. I went to Dartmouth too.”

Most people in Hollywood are shallow morons who went to bad schools. If a D-girl thinks you share her background or interests, you’re a guaranteed back-end participant.

Option 3 – Show kindness.

D-Girls are treated like shit constantly.

They have to read dozens of scripts a week, draft notes while their boss is having another three-hour lunch at Paperfish, and get yelled at because Diablo Cody passed on writing their D2DVD sequel. And they work 80-90 hours a week for Mexican wages. Buy her a drink. Tell her such a pretty girl shouldn’t look so sad. Offer to cook her a meal or give her a shiatsu massage. The unexpected tenderness will confuse her so much, her panties will drop off quicker than Paris Hilton’s box office. Once you’ve slept with her, you can treat her like crap just like everyone else does. She’ll respect you more for it anyway.