Things My Ex's Said to Me

My girlfriend dumped me a few weeks ago and it caught me completely off-guard. I decided to go back over past relationships and things my ex-girlfriends said to see if I could find key moments where things went wrong. Hopefully there are some lessons to be learned here.

Girl: Kim

We Had Been Going Out For: A year

Comment: Your friends are a bunch of drunken yahoos.

Time From Comment to Breakup: Six months

Whose Fault?: Hers. She was crazy and oddly old-fashioned (seriously, what person under the age of 70 uses the phrase “Drunken yahoos?”)

Girl: Leslie

We Had Been Going Out For: Six months

Comment: I do care about you tremendously, I do want to remain in each other’s lives. I think we could look to each other as sources of inspiration and creativity.

Time From Comment to Breakup: Minus-three weeks

Whose Fault It Was: Hers. I still have no idea what happened. But I’d like to inspire her to blow me.

Girl: Sascha

We Had Been Going Out For: Three weeks

Comment: You should go fuck a bunch of women.

Time From Comment to Breakup: Five weeks

Whose Fault It Was: Hers. She got mad when I fucked a bunch of women.

Girl: Barbara

We Had Been Going Out For: Four years, three months

Comment: What if you never make it as a writer? That’s a very real possibility.

Time From Comment to Breakup: Three weeks

Whose Fault It Was: Mine, I guess. For not marrying her, knocking her up, and going to law school. (on her dime)

Girl: Heidi Klum

We Had Been Going Out For: Two days

Comment: Your penis is too big for me, Snuffy. You’re tearing my schnitzel apart. Auf wiedersehen.

Time from Comment to Breakup: Four minutes, thirty-three seconds

Whose Fault It Was: Mine. Damn me and my monster cock.