Hating People Helps

Do you ever find yourself angry and/or bored but don’t have any loved ones to take it out on? I know I do. The problem is, I can’t just go around verbally abusing innocent bystanders. But if I could choose an innocent by-stander, I'd choose...

YOU. The guy pumping his gas while a cop pulls me over. What a twat.

Mind your own business buddy. Yeah. I thought erratically fish-tailing into this gas station like Steve McQueen would stop a cop from pulling me over when I saw him riding my ass. Staring me down won't make you look any manlier in your sweater vest and pleated tweeds. I didn’t think it was possible to look more like a condescending douche, but then I just noticed you’re driving a Prius.

I don’t know what scenario is worse: actually picking out those clothes or your wife shopping for your ice cream social uniform. My Mom did that for me when I was four and I was incapable of buttoning my shirt. I used to take my dick out at other kids’ birthday parties because I couldn't rezip after pissing. Alas, after years of being penetrated by the vapid husk you call your penis, your wife will probably bang anyone whose ideal weekend doesn’t involve going to Costco.