Wonderful Wikipedia

So you’ve just been ‘Pink-Socked.’ Now what?

If no one else remembered did it really happen? That show nine years ago? I didn't dream it. I googled a late nineties memory, a portland band called pink sock and could find nothing. I turned to the great knowledge base. The storehouse of all obscurity. The great repository of this moment in history. And all moments leading up to it. Wikipedia. Go there. Now. Enter pink sock. And see what you get.

This sexual maneuver is the second most vile thing that can be done to a person next to the 'Slow Punch’ (giving someone AIDS). What’s your next move you might ask? Well, I assure you that your first instinct to just ‘let it fix itself and don’t tell anyone it ever happened’ will not work. How optimistic of you to think that something so disgusting can be corrected so easily. Chalk this one up to a ‘Life isn’t Fair’ experience.

Regardless of who did it, you’re going to have to slowly and painstakingly cram it back in with whatever pulled it out or something comparable (I think you know what I’m alluding to). I can guarantee that every millimeter will be ten-fold more painful than the last. After that, things aren’t going to all go back to normal. At all. I’d get comfortable with that fact you’re probably going to frequently shit your pants for the rest of your life. And don’t count on getting it surgically repaired. Do you think a conservative insurance company is going to pay for surgery that happened during sodomy? Curse you Fox News and your neo-con agenda for penetrating our medical system!

If it was a significant other, then consider yourself lucky. At least now you can guilt them into doing pretty much whatever you want for you rest of your relationship. However, considering your ass is blown-out like six year-old Goodyear, they probably won’t stick around much longer. You’re tainted goods now so who can really blame them?

If it was someone you hook-up with frequently, but have share no thoughts or feelings for then you should plan to seek revenge. And I don’t mean the ole’ snakes-in-a-peanut-can bit either. Personally, I wouldn’t stop anything short of amputation or blinding them. But then again, I’m not the one whose letting someone viciously pound my backside with no lube.

If it was a complete one-night stand with a complete stranger that you can’t get back in touch with, then the best you can hope for is they die in a horrible car crash. They definitely bested you in this game of wits.