Your Friend Food Stamps

A princess's guide to suckling at the government's teet.

Bankruptcy is totally harshing your mellow. Shit happens, and sometimes multi-millionaires like to sue other multi-millionaires for fraudulent, inappropriate behavior. Or just because they can. I get it. No need to be ashamed.

Luckily you live in a democratic nation that won’t throw you to the wolves. At the very worst, we’ll just do a little thing called water boarding (which is absolutely not a form of torture) and let you waste away on a island not too far from communist Cuba…but let’s talk about the positives here, people.

As an American citizen, or a qualified alien down on your luck, you’ve got a right to federal aid and assistance. You’ve got a right to food stamps. If you’ve got a kid, you’ve got an even bigger right to food stamps, so if you don’t have one yet, I suggest you do it Seth Rogen style, and get yerself knocked up.

Unfortunately, unlike the Thundercats, the food stamps can’t really bail you out of any jam. For example, if your pregnant ass has a hankering for a little sip of something stronger than soda, you’re outta luck. However, anything that comes with preservatives, or just with a few spray-on chemicals, is golden.

But don’t stop there- you can get your grocery on at Bristol Farms and other high end delis. They’re legally obliged to accept your government handouts! Worried it’ll wreck your rep when other people in line see you fumbling with paper stamps? Your worries are over. The new EBT system lets you swipe your card like you have the slightest shred of credit. God bless America.